Victory Down Under - The Aftermath

Its been a while since I wrote a blog.

Pakya bhai has continued being relentless in his stubborn opposition to sanity and dear Gowda has gone into a shell contemplating new ways to make a fool out of himself while the rest of humanity get on with their lives.

The last couple of months have been good for Indian cricket, we beat the Aussies at their stronghold in Perth and blew them away in the CB series finals.

India - Wizards of Oz

1. The Maestro is back. Exactly 10 years ago, he single handedly derailed the Aussies at Sharjah with spectacular 100s; this time around he did enough to take the cup away from them.

2. After the loss in the finals of the CB series, some of the Aussies have started looking at alternative professions. Symmo has signed up with the Brisbane Bongos as a professional rugby player. He did well as a player but got into a bit of trouble when he tackled the opposition mascot who he thought was making monkey gestures at him.

3. Symmo's bum chum Matt Hayden has moved on to boxing and regularly schedules fights with high school kids. Last we heard, he met his match when he was felled down by a wiry 19 year old.

4. Ponting claims to have nightmares of the Indian bowlers and has started taking stress related medication and sleeping pills. The news is that even his 2 year old son got him out within 3 balls.

5. As for the rest, Shaun Tait has suddenly developed a pace phobia and is taking up under arm spin bowling while Mitchel Johnson does not want to see Tendulkar's bat ever again. Brad Hogg is happily retired from the game (this defi should make Ganguly happy).

6. Brett Lee (who's one of the really few Aussies everyone actually respects as a person) has moved onto Bollywood and will feature in a romantic movie with a yet unnamed pretty young Bollywood actress.

7. Australia has announced new rules for public behaviour. Any reference or behaviour that remotely resembles anything simian will not be tolerated. Providing proof of such actions is not necessary and the victim's statement will be the final word on that matter. Scratching one's underarm or for that matter any part of one's body is outlawed and any person found doing so will be shoulder barged naked by Symmo or be forced to face a rampaging Haydos in the boxing ring.

8. "Obnoxious weed" will from now on be a term of endearment and affection.

9. Bhajji has started a crash course on how to get under the skin of your opponent and yet emerge victorious. Guest lectures will be taken by a visiting Orangutan from the Singapore Zoo.

10. The Indian team will soon flood your airwaves and market everything that can possibly be marketed from Washing Powder Nirma to Cadbury Eclairs to Vicco Vajradanti Ayurvedic cream.

11. As far as the IPL is concerned, it has set a new precedent and inspired people all around the world. Real people being sold at an auction was something that hadn't been seen in more than a century. The latest news is that Hasbro brothers are coming out with a new special IPL collector's edition of Monopoly. The trading will be done with real people and real money. Ex; In the new edition, the equivalent to Park Avenue will be Mahendra Singh Dhoni.

Anyways, that's it for now. I hope to be a little more regular with my blogging from now on.

We were Robbed @ Sydney !!!!

The clowns "Benson and Buck-more" with the help of unsporting Captain "Integrity" and his henchmen robbed India of a surefire victory yesterday.

There was a time with Mark Taylor/Steve Waugh at the helm that I actually respected and enjoyed watching the Aussies play. But after the Sydney Test, I realized that all the Aussies care about, is winning, sportsmanship and fair-play be damned. Ponting is the leader of this pack and sets a very bad example to the rest of the team. Clarke is heir to the Captaincy and from his behavior in this particular match, things can only get worse; passing the baton from a schoolboy bully to a spoilt kindergarten brat.

Here's a rundown on some of the latest news updates on the aftermath of this test-match.

1. ICC announces a new set of rules.

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a.) Captain Ponting being a man of absolute integrity, he would be appointed as the 4th Umpire henceforth, for all matches featuring Australia. Any decision regarding any controversial catches or run-outs will now be referred to him and he will be the final word on the issue. Any tantrums on or off the field by him or sledging or shoving the BCCI chief off the stage is permissible. No action will be taken against a character of such unquestionable moral integrity.

b.) Each Aussie player will be allowed an average of 3 lives for each match.

c.) Opponents are out if the ball touches their pad or elbow or shoulder or thin air on its way to the fielder. (One टप is out. If it bounces twice in front of the fielder, the honorable 4th Umpire will make the final call, which in all probability will be Out)

d.) This is regards to an old decision against Sachin, shoulder before wicket during the 99 tour. If the ball were to hit the opponent anywhere on his body irrespective of the line of the ball or its height, and if this "edge" does not carry to any fielder (*** if it carries, the batsman is out by rule (c) ***), the umpire will declare the batsman out, BBW (Body Before Wicket).

e.) Beating Australia in Australia or anywhere else is outlawed and against the spirit of the game.

f.) Aussie players will stay at the crease even if bowled unless the Umpire declares them out. In such a case the decision of the 2 umpires after a lengthy discourse in the middle will suffice.

g.) Any opponent that repeatedly gets the Aussie Captain out will be declared racist and will be kicked out of the game for a duration decided by the honorable 4th Umpire, a man of irrefutable integrity.

h.) Donkey, monkey, koala, porcupine, hippo, pig and all other such demeaning and deeply offending terms are from now on, banned on the cricket field. Aussies are permitted to use their abusive gutter language (insulting mothers, sisters and wives) on the field since that's the only way they know how to play cricket. Retaliation to their use of gutter language is not permissible and will be a punishable offense. The punishment will be as decided by the honorable 4th umpire.

i.) Questioning the integrity of the 4th Umpire or any of his henchmen is completely out of the question and will not be tolerated. They have the right to take the moral high ground and act saintly after the match is over.

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2.

The latest news is that primates all over the world joined forces and filed a lawsuit for an undisclosed amount against Harbhajan Singh citing irreparable harm to their carefully cultivated public image and suffering mental trauma for having equated them to a rowdy Aussie cricketer. They claim that they never resort to such foul language, they always walk when they nick it and they absolutely do not have such dreadful hair locks.

There is also news that Hanuman himself is deeply offended with the fact that Bhajji should compare any of his ilk to the sledging Aussie.

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3.

Sanjay Leela Bhansali is coming out with a sequel to his 2005 hit movie, "Black". It portrays the fascinating and eventful journey of a partially deaf and blind West Indian named Buck-more, highlighting his inspiring rise from an unemployed youth to a lucrative career as a senior ICC Umpire. In this movie Buck-more also plays the dual role of AB, a senile once respected village teacher who has now lost complete control over his mental abilities.

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4. There is a new show coming out on television in Australia, on channel 9. It will be called the Benson and Edges show. It is based on "the Simple Life" and follows the travails of ICC umpires Benson and Buckmore as they stand in matches all over the world and make a mockery of cricket by giving outrageous decisions. This show is sure to bring out guffaws among its viewers.

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In all seriousness, the fact remains that this match has brought disrepute to the beautiful game. There is no shame in losing a well fought match to a deserving opponent if played fair and square but not when the other team starts claiming bounced catches and receiving the help of some very biased umpiring decisions. If the Aussies wanted victory at all costs, they have achieved it, but it will always remain a victory blemished by their unsporting behavior. As Kumble said, only one team played in the spirit of the game. Let's hope the matters at hand get sorted out and the last 2 tests are played fairly and sportingly.