Trash-an - The Terrible !!!!!

Its been a while since I saw a completely trashy movie. 2008 has been good so far and the horrors of 2007 including RGV ki Aag, Saawariya and JBJ seemed to be a thing of the past. But this changed on Sunday when I sat down to watch a cam print version of Tashan, the latest from the once reputable stables of Yash Raj Films. To say Tashan is a bad film would be the understatement of the year. The movie is so horribly torturous that I would rather watch a 3 hour "Bold and Beautiful" marathon special on SOAP network or for that matter watch a documentary about mating goldfish on Discovery.

Here is what you realize after watching Tashan:

1. Bachchan Pandey (aka Akshay Kumar) is Spider-man, Jackie Chan, Rajni-kanth and John Rambo, all rolled into one. He can single-handedly defeat a whole flock of Shaolin monks (who appear out of nowhere) while precariously balancing himself on a TV antenna tower. Sending a hundred commandos after him isn't the solution either. Bachchan Pandey can jump over buildings with finesse, climb walls with his hands, dodge bullets with ease and take down all 100 of them with a single dagger. Hail the new Kanpuri super hero.

2. Bebo looks like a starving refugee from Somalia. Someone better give her some food to eat otherwise I fear that one day she will lose so much weight that she would simply disappear (not that I mind that happening). In this movie, she is at her skimpiest best, from prancing around in a bikini on a yacht to an item song in the middle of Ladakh wearing a blonde wig (duh) and a tiny red dress that was sewn from the producer's hankie. Only a punch drunk Saif and an old bull in the Ladakh Zoo were mesmerised by her gyrations. In spite of all this, Bebo has the stand out moment of the movie at the climax in which her expressions (of satisfied prolonged sheer ecstasy) at having killed Bhaiyyaji are priceless.

3. The makers of Tashan have invented a new language that is an amalgamation of Bhojpuri, Hindi and English; for example the lyrics of a song go something like this "White white face dekhe, dilva beating fast, sasura chance maare re". The makers have named it as the Tashani and the latest plans include adding Punjabi, Urdu and Gujrathi to the mixture. They assure us that this will be the national language of India within the next 5 years.

4. It is possible to find a "Jet Ski" in the villain's adda located in the middle of the desert and then ride the jet ski thru a naala (gutter) and jump over a bridge while performing a sumersault and forcing the bridge to collapse. All this from a guy who works at a call center. Spectacular.

5. The best way to hide from people searching for you is to hide in the trunk of their car. Brilliant plan. The only problem is when the guys looking for you get into an argument about the music playing on the radio and plunge the car over a cliff into a lake.

6. When you are trying to get away from 3 people who have just destroyed your adda and killed 1000 of your goons, ride a cycle rikshaw yourself and try to run over them.

7. Akki Narula is a fashion designer, extra-ordinaire. If you want your heros / heroine to look like they are a cross between a garish African tribes-man and Snoop Doggy Dog, he's the man for you. From JBJ to Tashan, he's the Manish Malhotra of trashy wear.

There are a lot of other things completely illogical and crazy about this movie. But the worst is the absense of a script. The story just goes from one place to another without making any sense at all. These days I believe that RGV and Yash Uncle are in a rat race to make the worst movie of all times. Either that or as Rajeev Masand says, they are arrogantly taking their audience for granted. Sign up 2-3 super-stars, shoot at some exotic locations, get the actress to expose, throw in some "Matrix" style action sequences and hope that the "dumb" audience laps it all up, script be damned.

Arjun "Quota" Singh

After writing blogs on Comrade Pakya and Yeda Gowda, it is about time I wrote about the baap of all power hungry politicians, the much hated completely irrelevant Arjun Singh. He's an out-dated politician who has worked over-time to take India back into the stone age.

1. Origins

Arjun Singh was born into this world as a Neanderthal long before Adam took a bite of that fateful apple and way before the first stone was ever laid in the ancient cities of Harappa & Mohenjo-daro. The Akbar-nama documents the story of a senile court jester Arjun Singh, who asked the Great King Akbar to reserve seats for the backward classes in his Army. An amused Akbar chuckled and presented Arjun Singh with a bag of stones and a donkey & sent him on his way to a remote outpost in Burma.

2. Reservations

The British left us 60 years ago but their Divide and Rule policy lives on through people like Arjun Singh. When Babasaheb Ambedkar penned the constitution years ago, he decreed that reservations be abolished after 10 years. However our great politicians have refused to do so, especially Arjun Singh. He continues to be the epitome of stupidity and his asinine behavior has managed to defy all norms of conventional wisdom in his sick attempt to win power.

Welcome to the new India, where ability and merit no longer matters, the only thing that matters is your caste and if Arjun has his way, your religion too. They just don't get it that reservations on the bases of caste do not solve problems, instead the government should focus on improving the standard of basic education and to provide scholarships and special tuition to the poor & needy. (to be decided on the basis of their economic condition and not just their caste)

3. Sycophancy

Arjun Singh is notorious for his ability to lie prostrate at the feet of people from the Gandhi Family. He has been known as a Gandhi loyalist ever since he became acquainted with (read; chamcha of) Rajiv Gandhi in the 80s and has been prostrating in front of the Gandhis ever since. In fact he has perfected the art so much that the mere mention of a Gandhi, has him lying flat on the ground before you can bat your eyelid. He was recently in the news for his over-whelming sycophancy when he proclaimed Rahul Gandhi as the next PM.

4. Golum

To me, he bears an uncanny resemblance to the creature Golum, from the Lord of the Rings. Arjun Singh has always been there, eyes red with his desperation for power, always conniving, always plotting ways to topple the incumbent, unwavering in his desire and lust for the ultimate prize of uncontrollable power, the post of the Prime Minister of India. Leaders will come and go but he will always be there, the "loyal" HR Minister, biding his time, waiting for the eventual fall. His frustrations at being overlooked for the post of PM over the years have only added to his senility and dementia.

That brings to an end, my tirade against Arjun Singh, the root of much evil in our country. The best I can hope for, is that this man is completely retired from public life and is banished in exile to a hot volcanic island specially 'reserved' for him in the middle of nowhere.

Bon Voyage Arjun!!! You will not be missed.

Holi Hai !!!!

My holi weekend was one the most fun weekends ever. My friend Kuku AK and his wife BK had driven down to Mineola for the weekend. It all started off with a fright night on Friday as we sat down to watch the horror flick "The Ring". It wasn't as scary as I expected it to be, but that was probably because, 1) I had watched Scary Movie-3 earlier and 2) Kuku AK kept cracking silly comments during the course of the movie.

Saturday evening was holi-time, and we had a ball (read loaded balloons) behind our apartment; at the end of which, we were cold, wet and covered in various shades of red and pink (we looked liked we had come out of a shivering Halloween Zombie parade). I am sure our neighbours must have been tempted to call the emergency Psychiatric ward at the nearby Winthrop Hospital.

Little did I know the funnest part of the day was yet to begin. We went off to watch the late night screening of "Race" which is a paisa vasool movie as long as you keep your brains aside and worth the price in black if you are a fan of Katrina. Later that night, after the movie, what started off as Peacock kumar's short funny immitation of Salman Khan jiving to "Dil Deewana Bin Sajani Ke" in MPK turned into a full fledged crazy funny dance night.

Here are some of the lessons of the night. 

1. Kuku AK was the only guy who danced his heart out, and is without a shred of doubt the best dancer among us all. (Of course, he cannot be compared to Mr. Shoulders who is in a league of his own)

2. In the song "Rangeela Re", "KU KU" is a part of lyrics, as in "Jeene mai, fir to kyaa baat hai KU-KU".

3. It is important to SING (read scream, shout) while dancing and more important that you make up your own lyrics as you sing. The whackier the lyrics, the more the fun. Also there is a Marathi song of a chicken running away on one leg (what will they come up with next ?)

4. It is possible to swing your arms wildly and turn your waist 180 degrees ... all this while sitting cross legged on an infinitely small and completely unstable stool. (and we are NOT talking about Jason Bourne)

5. Peacock kumar is undoubtedly the Salman Khan and/or Jackie Shroff of Long Island. His valiant attempts at being Fardeen Khan will always be remembered and is the only dance routine of the night, not captured on video.

6. Jason Bourne jinxed the camera so that he couldn't be captured dancing to bollywood tunes.

7. Mr. Kuku AK danced practically with everyone and every prop that he could lay his eyes on including Peacock Kumar's stuffed Cat as well as a football. (This is an open challenge for Mr. Shoulders)

8. Teen deviyaan .. the dancing kittens is the name of a new movie releasing this summer. Mr. Chow has already bagged the downloading and screening rights.

9. Teddy Bear Catching (to be played with a stuffed Cat) is a new dance form that can we done while dancing around in circles. This will soon be introduced as a new dance form on "Boogie Woogie" and "Dancing with the Stars".

10. The best dancer of the night judged exclusively by the Kuku-AK will get hit by a football for no apparent rhyme or reason.

11. 6 people dancing at the same time is enough to cause a minor earthquake. (To be precise 6 on the Richter scale)

Thankfully for me, this was successfully recorded on the video cam and everytime I watch it, I burst out laughing. This blog is especially dedicated to Kuku AK, the guy who can make even footballs and stuffed cats seem hilarious and to Peacock Kumar's neighbours for tolerating us.

Of Cricket Capitulation !!!

Team India bamboozled by SA.

After their adrenalin high trip to Oz Land, the Indian team was brought down crashing to earth by the South Africans. Fear stricken at facing the 4 pronged South African pace attack, the Indian team capitulated in utter humiliation. Run for your lives !!! What was more shocking was that the match wasn't being played on a vicious bouncy fast pitch in SA but on a typical sub-continental batting strip in local Ahmedabad. It was hardly a month ago that the Indian team was thumping its chest and proudly proclaiming that it was the 2nd best team in the world.

Just as Australia bring out the best out of the Indian team, the rest of the world brings out its sheer mediocrity!! Even on the batting paradise in Chennai, if we take away the ferocious super innings from Sehwag and the gritty one from Dravid, the rest of the middle order collapsed like a pack of cards. However some of this blame should also go to the BCCI. Their packed money minded schedule has ensured that India has been playing non-stop since the mid of last year. No wonder half our bowling along with the maestro is injured while the motivation seems missing from the rest.

However after this shocking performance, the news is that BCCI have come up with a new list of demands for the ICC to follow.

1. BCCI has announced that it will ban any pitch that offers even the slightest of movement or bounce. All pitches henceforth will be flat belters like the one at Chennai.

2. All the innings in a test match will be restricted to 20 overs each. That way teams will have an level field to compete and teams with better bowling attacks do not get advantage over others.

3. Bowlers will not be allowed to bowl faster than 120 kmph (Pathan's speed). That way the batsman will get enough time to make up their mind and slog. Dale Steyn, Brett Lee, Shoaib and the likes will have to compulsorily slow down or face a life-ban. Venkatesh Prasad will offer coaching classes on how to bowl really really slow and get the batsmen out from sheer boredom.

4. Bouncers are a strict no-no but if the bowler does wish to bowl one, it should be at a speed of less than 80 kmph (Bhajji's pace), so that the batsman get the time to duck and react.

5. The rules are slightly relaxed for the Indian bowlers except for Ishant Sharma. They will be allowed to use their bag of tricks on the opposition. Whatever lateral movement, bounce, speed, swing that they are able to generate will be allowed so that the opposition batsman do not find it too easy to score.

Hopefully we at least last till the 4th innings in the 3 rd Test Match. Over and Out.