2007 Special - An Year to Remember

2007 is almost over and we'll be celebrating the start of a new year tonight. 07 has been a very eventful year. Politicians all over did what politicians always do, Benazir Bhutto was assassinated, India won a World Cup, runaway bride Ash finally settled on Abhi for marriage, India got itself its first woman President, Modi won yet another election, Britney and Lindsay lost it completely and then lost it again, Gore won an Oscar as well as a Nobel and a crazy gunman shot up VTech on a murderous spree. 

Here is a rundown on the best of the best for this year and some special awards for the people / events that have made a difference to this year and to this blog. ;)

1. Celebrity Marriage Event of the Year -

Talking of marriages, this was an year of marriages. A few of my really good friends and a bunch of my close cousins got married this year. Here's a toast to a successful married life for them.

Going back to our special award, the celebrity marriage event of the year award boils down to 2 marriages quite similar to each other. On one hand we had a celebrity marriage that united the "so-called" most beautiful woman in the world ("I strongly beg to differ") with the scion of a megastar Bollywood icon, and on the other hand we had a my friend AK's marriage that had it all, filmy music, Yash-raj style Punjabi dancing and Manish Malhotra designer wear. The winner was an easy pick, AK, take a bow. Aish and Abhi are no match for your enthusiasm fuelled, full on Josh choreographed dance routines nor your stylish films inspired designer wear.

2. Rail Gaadi of the Year

No, we are not talking about the LIRR or the NY subway or the Mumbai local trains. We are referring here to the politically driven ego self centered trains that ran around the country all year round making noise and blowing a lot of unwanted empty steam. I am sure you all remember the quote on empty vessels.

The winner of this special and unique award is the Karat Kolkatta Chug Chug Express. This train came with a special "Made in China" tag and ran all over Bengal and Delhi making an immense racket on US imperialism, Hindu Communal-ism and Chinese supremacy, never once threatening to run out of empty steam. Close runners up featured 1. the antique "Coal" powered Karunanidhi Chennai Slow Mail that barely walked in TN while blowing its immensely loud horn once in a while; and 2. the humble Yeda Ghoda Benguluuroo Maal Gaadi that ran only in Bangalore and changed tracks so often that it derailed itself and took along the entire state with it.

3. Made for Each Other Award

This was a tough one to choose. Madam Gandhi/Moneymohan Singh and Hillary/Obama ran them close but the winners by a small margin were Bhutto and Mushy. This story had everything, covert "get to know each other" meetings with Bush uncle playing cupid, a secret pact to share power, a well publicized return to her country from exile and a betrayal when Mushy declared emergency. Unfortunately this alliance ended in tragedy when Bhutto was brutally shot (or was it shrapnel from the bomb or did she hit her head on the sunroof while trying to duck ... it will always remain a mystery as is everything else in Pakistani politics).

4. Reality Show of the Year

There were only 2 nominees for this particular award. The show organized by the UPA government to select the President for India and the one held by the BCCI to find a coach for the Indian team. The award will be shared between the 2 and the money will be divided equally between the already rich respective sponsors, UPA and BCCI.

a) Coach Kaun Banega

In this show, based on the American Idol; contestants had to undergo rigorous qualifying rounds in front of a panel of judges that included Lalit Modi, Gavaskar & Sharad Pawar. The 3 stooges, oops judges, were the sole arbitrators of the contest. The winner bagged the job of Indian coach. Perks included being ridiculed, humiliated and blamed for all of BCCI follies. Ultimately, an ex SA player with absolutely no prior coaching experience, was declared the winner.

Jo Jeeta Wohi Bandar baaki sab Sikandar.

b) President Kaun Banega

This was a reality show to choose the next President of India, roughly based on the Apprentice. There was but a single judge, Sonia Gandhi. Whoever managed to impress her the most got the job. Some of the tasks included washing Madam's feet, learning Italian and agreeing with every sentence that Madam spoke.

The winner of this contest was a previously unknown politician who claimed to have conversed with spirits. Such a huge departure from a scientist ex-President.

5. Movie Event of the Year Award

This year a number of classics came out. I ended up watching quite a few of them, a couple of those starred the Khan of Ham and Cheese (surprisingly they were both quite entertaining). I am hoping I don't end up doing that ever again.

The nominees for the Movie Event of the Year award are the blue-tinted, completely pointless "Saawariya" (a very very close runner up to the eventual winner), the cheap and hilariously unfunny "Heyy Baby", the singing bearded-topi starrer "Aap Ka Saroor" and the over the top "Jhoom Barabar Jhoom".

But the winner in the category by far is the most fascinating movie ever made, the totally unnecessary, narcissistically titled, Sholay remake, "RGV ki Aag". Innovative camera angles that hovered from nowhere, Bachchan in an avatar never seen before and hopefully never again, a heroine who believes acting is exposing and shooting locales that couldn't brighten up your day even if you were all alone in Siberia in the midst of winter. This movie is a must see just so that it can be treated as a perfect example of "how not to make a movie".

Thats my recap of a crazy yet fun filled 2007. Hopefully 2008 will have a lot of good things to write about. Wishing you all, a very Happy and Joyous 2008 !!!!!

Yeda Ghoda - Bumbling Son of a Farmer !!!!!

Well politicians just don't improve do they.

Talking of politicians, just a week after my post, Pakya bhai made an emotional outburst against American imperialism and Chinese idealism. On the brighter side, the news is that there's been some progress on the nuclear deal. The communists have given a green flicker to the deal, perhaps to let the Congress take the heat off their atrocities at Nandigram.

Another politician who has taken over the role of staying in the news for the wrong reasons in the past few months is the power hungry, Kursi obsessed, greedy to the hilt, nepotism personified, back stabbing, ex-Indian PM Mr. Yeda Gowda.

His chief claim to fame has been his brief stint as the compromise candidate for the post of Prime Minister, a period in history that would always remain a major embarrassment to the rest of his countrymen. He was often found napping at important Parliamentary sessions or meetings and had a farmer's foot-in-mouth disease a lot worse than the one troubling Prez Bush.

Since his fall from grace, Yeda Gowda has been busy dabbling in state politics and has managed to mismanage the state of Karnataka with the help of his family. Relegating him to his regional fiefdom has been India's gain, Karnataka's loss. Yeda claims to be the humble son of a farmer but there has been nothing humble about his life as a politician. "Kursi grabbing" and "Backstabbing" are an art form that comes naturally to the jobless ex-PM. I guess politicians just cannot retire. As an ex-PM, he has already achieved the pinnacle of his profession, what more does he want? He should retire peacefully to a farmhouse in his village in Karnataka.

Anyways to the uninitiated, here's a recap of the events, Yeda Gowda got the least amount of votes in the last state election, & decided to align with Congress to form the government. 2 years later he pulled the rug from under their feet and made a devil's pact with the BJP. The understanding was that his son (Kum Kum Swamy - nepotism and family reign supreme) would be the CM for a 1.5 yrs followed by BJP rule for the rest of the term. But when the time came to transfer power to the BJP, Yeda changed his mind, glued his son to the CM's Kursi and imposed a million pre-conditions. Later, when BJP came to power, in a bizarre flip flop, within 7 days he audaciously withdrew his support. Now that elections are inevitable, this greedy bumbling wily son of a farmer is in Delhi begging the Congress to help him form a government.

I am sure he believes in the adage, if there is a back to be stabbed; stab it, twist the knife, sit back and enjoy the show. He reminds me of one of those scheming villains from a bygone era in Bollywood, somewhat like the characters played by Jeevan or Prem Chopra.

I suggest we all contribute a paisa each and send the greedy PM and his power crazy sons to an ice berg in frigid Antartica. They can rule the land for as long as it exists. Of course with the level of global warming currently, hopefully that wont be too long. :p


Yenna Rascalas , Mind It !!!!

Of Ghosts, Ghouls and Shantipriya

1. Halloween Day Parade

We had been to the Halloween Day Parade in East Village, Manhattan a fortnight ago. East village had a carnival atmosphere, vibrant and colorful and filled with people wearing the most atrocious of costumes. This is one of the biggest parades of its kind in the world. The spooky procession had it all from ghouls, ghosts, zombies and other grotesque characters of the underworld to the who's who of crazy movie characters from Hollywood and other pop cultures. However the funniest costume in the parade was the one dressed up as Prez Bush playing with a giant globe, 'accidentally' dropping it once in a while. Unfortunately my camera battery was running low and so couldn't take any snaps but will definitely click some next year.

Talking of ghosts, we ended up watching Bhool Bhulaiyya at home couple of weekends ago. It's definitely a one time watch as a supernatural thriller with a sprinkling of silly comedy.


2. Om Shanti Om


Its rare that I end up watching 2 SRK movies in a theatre within an year (Actually its rare that I watch any SRK movie, period) and the most shocking part is that I actually ended up liking both. It was with great reluctance that I even agreed to go for the movie. There was nothing new with the story as such since it was a typical re-birth saga like Karz, only the setting was different and while SRK has hammed away to glory, the hamming bonanza is actually in character, both as an 'over the top' filmy junior artist in the 70s as well the spoilt rich superstar in the present. In spite of all this I still ended up walking out of the theatre with a big smile on my face. The 5 reasons I would recommend this movie.

1. The Filmfare awards are a laugh riot esp for Akshay and Abhishek.
2. The premier of "Dreamy Girls" and the fun poked at Manoj Kumar and Sooraj Barjatya is absolutely hilarious.
3. The South India movie shooting. Yenda Rascal, Mind It !!!!!
4. Deepika is simply stunning.
5. Deepika is simply stunning.

What is wrong with me? I have been recommending Hindi movies in my last couple of posts, from Johnny Gaddar to SRK's OSO. Sheeesh, have I lowered my standards so much that I have actually started liking new Hindi movies these days or was I just fortunate enough to see 2-3 good movies in a row. Anyways if you see my praising one more Hindi movie on my blogs in the next one month, I will force myself to watch RGV ki Aag and Jhoom Barabar back to back all alone. Sigh.

Picture abhi baaki hai mere dost.

Pakya Bhai

After talking about the octogenarian southern satrap, Karunanidhi, the politician in the news these days is Comrade Prakash "Made In China" Karat. Lets just call him Pakya for simplicity. For the uninitiated, he's the G.S. or the supremo of the CPI (M) the most influential position in their Politburo, and at 57 (:p) supposedly represents the gen next in the party.

Now why are we discussing this noble politician. Well Pakya has recently been in the news for his stringent and vehement opposition to the nuclear deal between India and US. A deal that would provide India with nuclear fuel and technology that it requires for its growing energy needs without having to sign the Non-profileration treaty. This is something that US has offered exclusively to India and would have been a landmark deal to bring the 2 powerful countries together.

Now Pakya is completely opposed to this deal. Unlike most politicians, he has never managed to win an election in India, neither for Parliament nor for the State Assembly. He hasn't even been nominated to the Rajya Sabha. So our Pakya basically represents 0% of the population in parliament / state assembly. Truly, a Man of the people. It is but natural that he take decisions that decide the fate of the nation.

Pakya's speeches have always been peppered with phrases such as "communalism", "colonialism" and "imperialism". In fact he has a god given ability to use the above terms in any given sentence or situation. He's also an expert proponent of the China-man in cricket. One of the few who has actually learned it from the Chinese themselves.

So the question arises as to why such a distinguished worldly wise gentleman along with his esteemed colleagues like Bardhan (the name reminds me of the villain in Amitabh's Don) and Sitaram Yechury, are opposed to something that is so useful to India.

-----------------------------------------------

This is what Pakya said yesterday at a CPI-M program according to CNN-IBN

1. ''India is a prize for the US and not Pakistan because of its market. Developed India can be useful for counterbalancing China. This is a game the US is trying to play which has to be foiled'', Karat said at a CPI-M programme in Kolkata."

2. “We shall not rest in our fight till the strategic ties with the US is snapped out,” PTI quoted Karat as saying. “USA has also changed its tactics of making Pakistan its strategic ally as it has now realised that if it can get India as a strategic ally, the balance will be tilted in favour of imperialism and neo-colonialism.”

which basically means, Pakya-bhai prefers the hot and spicy Szhewuan Hakka Noodles to the staid American Burger.

-----------------------------------------------

I suggest all of us Indians help this poor soul fulfill his craving for Hakka Noodles and provide him and his colleagues with enough money so that they can each buy a one way, no return ticket to the remotest corner of China.

Shop till he Drops

I was chatting with my bud from college today and we got talking about how his life has changed since he got engaged some time back. I am desisting from mentioning his name in this public forum for if his "fiance" comes across this blog, there would arise the need to say a silent prayer for both him and me. Evenings and weekends had drastically changed for him ever since his engagement. Earlier he would be watching cricket on his LCD TV or having "Life ka baat" sessions out with his friends at Bandstand, now he invariably ends up going out on shopping trips to the mall with his fiance. Life has taken an about turn for him.

For most guys shopping is a chore that they try to avoid as far as they can. They only grudgingly venture out into the mall if a friend tells them about a cool deal on an Express sports jacket, or when Apple comes out with a new IPhone that washes, irons and folds your laundry for you or if they need to replace their old shoes that have completely disintegrated with time. It is the complete opposite for girls. Shopping for them is a hobby, an obsession, an art form that was ingrained into their DNA during conception. If only a baby girl could communicate, she would probably tell her mom to take her to a Baby's fashion store so that she could check out the new diaper summer collection.

For most guys trips to the mall would get over in around 15 minutes; 5 minutes to find something he likes, 5 minutes to actually try it on and 5 more guilt ridden minutes to get in line and pay for it. But shopping with a girl is more like a day long outting, guys go there in the morning fresh and eager, hoping that it ends before lunch but by the time they are done they are completely exhausted, their legs hurt, their wallet is completely empty, they are struggling with heavy loaded bags that have been completely packed to the brim and when they walk out of the mall they realize that the sun has long since disappeared. The girl on the other hand still looks completely fresh and has an expression of absolute content on her face. For her its like they have just come out of a one day trip to Disney Land. The only thing going on in her mind, "Darn, I still haven't found that red party dress that the girl on the train was wearing last week, the main reason that we came shopping for. We'll go to a different mall tomorrow."

Yet another day shopping day has ended.

PS. I just realized this is my first blog ever not related to either cricket or politics or movies.

Jungle Mein Mor Naache .... k.k.k.k.k.k.kisne Dekha

1. Jungle Mein Mor Naacha - Kisne Dekha

Kisine dekha hai kya, Jungle Mein Mor Naacha. Agar nahi dekha toh jarooor dekhna. This is choreography and Bollywood at its hilarious best. An Absolute classic. Whoever thought of this video and the entire concept deserves a special award for promoting the national bird. This is Bollywood's F-worded (feathered) answer to Cats the Musical, Mor the Musical.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bwaHNC15u8M

Its kind of surprising to see Waheeda Rehman prouncing about making wierd faces, with a silver Mor as her headgear with a super long feathered tail and getting kind of cuddly with the other mor. Probably a video she wouldnt want to show her kids and grand kids. Later I found out its from a movie called Shatranj with Rajendra 'Jubilee' Kumar, the epitome of non acting. The only words that come to mind after watching the video is,

"Yeh Dil Maange No Mor".


2. Main Big B banana chahta hoon

Well I havent taken up SRK's case in a while. But if some reports are to be believed, the Bad-Shah of Ham and Cheese has just crossed the limit of his obsession with trying out Big B's humongous shoes. After bumbling with AB's Don, SRK intends to remake the cult classic 'Deewar', which I think is AB's best acted out role till date.

Now its time to call him Shah "Ab Ruk Jaa" Khan. I have no problems with him trying out films with original storylines, but remaking all of a living legend's films just to prove to the world that you are better than him is toooo much. Stick to being chocolate boy Rahul or a Kabir Khan but thy can never be an angry young Vijay.

Talking of remakes, news is that Bollywood is remaking (read massacring) 'Karz' with Himesh Reshamiya as Rishi, 'Padosan' with Govinda as Mehmood and Sanjay Dutt as Kishore and 'Amar Akbar Anthony' by David Dhawan with Sallu and his 2 brothers.

AB: Tumhare Paas Kya Hai?????
SRK: Mere pppppaaas (huge pause) Rrrrremake Hai !!!!

3.

Well you know what could possibly be worse than the 2 points above? If some enterprising director tried to cross points 1 and 2 and remake Shatranj with SRK.

Jungle Mein Naache Mor ... k.k.k.k.k.kisne Dekha.

God save us!!!!!

Johnny Gaddar !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1. Johnny Mera Naam

Its been a while since I saw an original Hindi movie which was neither a uninspiring copy of an old Hindi/English/Tamil/Korean movie nor a butchered remake of a classic. It was just a very smartly made movie which didn't shy from revealing all the inspirations behind it. Johnny Gaddar is a must see.

Don't get me wrong, the script is not perfect, it does have its flaws, bullets fired in a crowded Mumbai society are not heard by neighbours nor does the fight sequence in the train wake up the other travellers.

But then the rest of the script is completely unpredictable and totally captivating. I wasn't able to guess any of the sudden 'kahani mein twists' in the movie ... not a single one and there are many of those ... this is such a rarity in Hindi cinema. The best part is that the director/writer cleverly shows us all of his creative influences interspersed thru the movie, Johnny hatching his plot while watching Amitabh's 'Parwana', the hotel receptionist watching Dev Anand in 'Johnny Mera Naam' and the James Hadley Chase novel that Johnny is reading on the train. Very smart. (Ajit style)

Let me end it here before I get carried away with my praise for the movie. Its just that its been a while since I saw a completely original and intelligent movie, the first since 'Lage Raho Munnabhai' that came out last year.

2. Themes in Movies

Each decade usually has a recurring theme in the movies. The 50's and 60's usually dealt with the evils of society, the 70s were the decade of a particular angry young man and stories about long lost brothers, the 80s continued the revenge trend while the 90s were the decade of the candyfloss SRK romance. Here are 2 of the most concurrent themes of the current decade:

1. The Adultery: SRK justified it in 'KANK', Neil was fired by it in 'Johnny Gaddar', Tushar Kapoor and Shreyas were each at it in 'Aggar', Emraan Hashmi has mastered it as an art form in all his movies, Amitabh was seduced enough in 'Nishabd', Salman was the guru in 'No Entry' and 'Biwi No.1', Anil Kapoor got rocking in 'Musafir' & 'Salaam-E-Ishq' and was drawn to it in 'No Entry', the entire male cast of 'Masti' wanted to but couldn't, Zahid Khan in 'Shabd', Vivek was suspected of it in 'Omkara' so was Salman in 'Hum Tumhare Hai Sanam'. The entire Kay Kay-Kangana-Sharman Joshi sequence was all about it in 'Life in a Metro'.

In fact I have seen so many movies with this theme that this decade seems to be the decade of the extra marital affair. But then producers only have to look within Bollywood for loads of inspiration on the subject. From Saif to Aamir to Boney to Dharampapa to (reportedly) Aditya Chopra.

2. The Super Casanova: This is the kind that sleep around so much so that even James Bond would need to take sanyaas in the Himalayas. From Akki versus Jon in 'Garam Masala', Sallu in 'No Entry', Akki, Ritesh and the other guy in 'Heyy Baby', Amitabh "puff diddy" Bachchan in 'KANK'; they are the kind that make women of all nationalities go weak in their knees. These 'super cool dude' are like an unstoppable force, and only a baby or a sati savitri heroine can act as their kryptonite.

Anyways thats it for this post. I have nothing else to say this week. Phew. In short, go watch Johnny Gaddar while its still in the theatres. And lets hope Bollywood producers get a load of reality soon and come up with some different themes. :)

Apan ka World This Week

Much has been going on in the news these days. So I thought I would be back with my usual post on the crazy things going on in my / our world.

1. The honorable ex PM, H D Deve Gowda, the humble son of a Karnataka farmer has by sheer greed for power incredibly orchestrated the fall of his own state government headed his own son. Thats what happens when you have a sleepy old ex PM with time on his hands and nothing constructive to do. Maybe we should just sentence him to community service for the rest of his life.

2. What ails the CPI(M). Their staunch opposition to the nuclear deal with the US is in all probability taking us into yet another national election. A bunch of intellectually confused Bengalis, Keralites and a single nonagenarian Sardar decide the fate of a nation of 28 states and 7 Union territories. But then this really does not bother people like Prakash Karat and Sitaram Yechury much, they know which country their funding comes from.

I am sure the CPI(M) firmly believes in this particular saying ever since their inception, "If it is there to be opposed, Oppose it."

3. Had been to my Karma-bhoomi in the US, Binghamton, over the weekend; my first long drive in our new car. I had a great time, the climate was great, the University has changed a bit for the better, Late Nite is as good, Newing still rocks, Ithaca was wonderful, Cayuga Lake was as serene, Downtown Binghy was completely happening and the best part was the company that I had was awesome. Hopefully we get to do something like this again next fall.

4. Saw "Dhol" a couple of weekends ago. It turned out to be a pretty decent movie. Typical Priyadarshan but was way way less over the top as compared to Heyy Baby and Dhamaal. More sedate if you please. Not that it was a classic or anything, it was just a little less painful as compared to some of the other movies we have watched in the past few months. I have heard some great reviews about Manorama and Johnny Gaddar and plan to watch them over the coming weeks.

5. India got a bruising welcome to the real cricket world after their success at the Twenty20 WC. Aussies, with their egos hurt, took their time inflicting destruction on India in the first 3 One dayers. But an awesome performance at Chandigarh has seen us bounce back into reckoning in the seven match series. Lets hope the team carries on all the good work in the remaining matches. Hail team India.

Thats it for now. I'll be back soon. Adios Muchacho.

JAANE BHI DO YAARO - Mahabharat

Jaane Bhi Do Yaaron

If only the directors today could make comedies even 10% as good as Jaane Bhi Do Yaaron, we would be laughing our guts out. Priyadarshan, David Dhawan and Inder Kumar, are you listening?

This is a cult classic and I must have seen this like a million times. I even know most of the dialogues by heart. Here is the poster of arguably the funniest Hindi film ever.

Tale of A Southern Satrap

News for the past week has revolved around 2 southern state regional satraps, the octogenarian M K Karunanidhi and Deve Gowda, the humble son of a farmer. Lets focus on MK in this post.

1. What is wrong with the people of Tamil Nadu. They seem to be going around in periodic cycles. 5 years of MK are invariably followed by 5 years of Amma and then we are back with MK. This has been going on for ages, at least for the past 25 years. I don't remember the last time the state had a different chief minister. And this is definitely not because the duo are excellent administrators, in fact the opposite holds true, their governments have invariably been associated with corruption, nepotism and inefficiency. One is a sun glass wearing rabble rousing octogenarian while the other is a bullet proof wearing amma whose house raid once revealed assets that would make Tina Ambani envious.

2. This has been going on so long that the election committee can save us a lot of tax payers money and not hold any future elections in TN. One of the 2 (decided by a televised toss presided over by Rajnikant) gets a shot at running (read destroying) the state for 5 years and then has to sit in the opposition while the other gets his turn. The number of seats that the governing party gets can be decided by the decibel power of its legislators. Lets have a shouting match.

3. Anyways getting back to the topic at hand, good old MK is currently embroiled with the Ram Setu project. This project calls for the land bridge (Adam's bridge or Ram Setu) between India and Lanka to be broken in order for ships to pass thru. The reason for undertaking such an expensive project being to get a shorter route for ships to go from Bengal to the Western coast of India. Dear old MK is so involved with this project that he questioned the existence of Ram (wonder if this famed "athiest" would have dared question the existence of Mohammad or Christ) and undertook a state wide bandh and a hunger strike for its cause. Such passion. If he had even 1% the passion to serve the people of TN, it would have worked wonders for the state.

Heres a nuetral mariners non religious view of the project.

Anyways the drama keeps on unfolding and thats that for this blog.

After all Politicians will always be politicians. :)

My World This Month

Its been a while since I have written about things going on in my world. I have been distracted for a while with the crazy downloaded Hindi movies and the awesome twenty20 cricket played in the World Cup. Still cannot believe we are the world champions. The last time this happened was when i was 4 years old and too young to understand the euphoria. Hopefully soon we shall win the real thing, the ODI World Cup as well as the Test Series against the Aussies in Oz.

Here is my world this month.

1. Congress jump onto the Dhoni mania by referring to Rahul Gandhi as the Dhoni of Indian politics. I am not sure if Dhoni would actually be thrilled by this comparison.

Now that the Italian Madam has a puppet President and a Prime minister, and a party filled with people willing to lie prostate at her feet and obey her every command, she has now chosen her son as the successor of a party. Her mother in law has taught her well. Nepotism does reign supreme. :p

2. The communists are opposing the Nuclear Deal. Nothing new with that. All they know is how to oppose anything and everything. I wasn't too sure initially about the Nuclear deal either but once I heard the communists were opposing it, I knew it definitely had to be good for the country.

3. Mayawati's ambition is to be the Prime minister of the country some day. Kanshi Ram jee what have thy unleashed. I would rather have a slightly corrupt yet suave educated PM than someone like her. Imagine Mayawati having to address a G8 summit in Geneva, it would be somewhat similar to how Aamir Khan acted at a 5 star restaurant in Rangeela. "Idhar misal paav nahi milta ???? :o , kya ghatiya jagah hai yeh".

4. Congress Goverment claim they are firm on the reservation issue. The latest news is that they also declared that from now onwards reservations would be extended to sports as well as entertainment. As per the new notification, cricket team will have 50% quota for the lower castes. One opener, 2 middle order batsman, 1 fast bowler and 1 spinner would hence be reserved for the under privileged castes. This affirmative action shall help in elevating the status of the reserved castes. Movies and television shows will from now on have quotas for the scheduled castes and OBCs.

5. Just watched a Hrishikesh Mukherjee movie, "Kisise Na Kehna" starring Farooq Sheikh, Utpal Dutt, Deven Varma and Deepti Naval. A typical Hrishida movie, the characters are real, genuinely heart warming and funny. There is no over the top humor nor any contrived situations, no one falls over a banana skin nor does anyone scream thru out the movie at the top of their voice. I wonder if either Priyadarshan or David Dhawan decide to remake (read massacre) this movie. Imagine Salman doing a Farooq Sheikh and Katrina Kaif trying to play the gaon ki ladki Deepti Naval. Sigh.

6. Saw Close Up Antakshari on Star One today. Must have seen this after almost 7-8 years. This was a special on school children from different zones. Not a single song sung in the entire show was from before the year 2000. I guess nowadays on TV the old classics comprise the songs from 95-2000. Gosh I feel old. Is it just me or are all TV shows a lot more flashier, increasingly superficial, way way more melodramatic, way way more over the top and completely crazier than before.

7. These days weekday evenings are spent driving around parts of Long Islands and trips to different malls. I have realized the side effects of getting a car. More time on hand, so more trips to malls, so means spending more on stuff that otherwise you wouldn't have spent on. Miscellaneous Expenditure multiplication.

That is all for now.

Dho Daala !!!!!

India - World Champions

So much has been written about the subject of the miracle story of the last 2 weeks. A team of youngsters without any prior experience in the twenty20 format, headed by a new skipper, traveling without a coach and not expected to go beyond the second round, wins the WC in style trouncing the choking South Africans, the rampaging Aussies, the talented Pakistanis and the British who invented the sport. Dho daala.

Also a special mention for the Hockey team that won the Asia Cup and the Soccer team that won the Nehru Cup for the first time ever in front of 20,000 fans.

We Are the Champions of the World. Chak De India !!!!!!

2011, here we come for the ODI World Cup.

ps: Irony - Sachin Tendulkar has played 17 years in 5 world cups, hit over 40 centuries in One Day Cricket, has been the highest scorer in World Cups ever, but still has never managed to get his hands on some WC silverware, but someone like Yusuf Pathan, playing his first match ever, scores 15 runs, bowls a decent over and has a World Cup medal to report for it.

SRH ke Cholaaaaaaay - Part 2

Continuing my post from last week, here’s more inside scoops on how some of our distinguished directors were planning on re-making the classic Sholay.

4. Farah Khan:

The focus shifts on-campus. Jai and Veeru played by SRK and a long haired Zaheed Khan are young freshmen at a colorful high school located in Panchgani but filmed in Malibu, California. They work part time in the school cafeteria and are just able to afford the bare necessities in life, a Rolex watch, a new red Enzo Ferrari and clothes designed by Versace. Popular with girls they are the life of every singing dancing event in school. This film has everything, a forgetful Thakur who’s the ex-school principal, his hard core party going daughter in law, Gabbar who’s the head of an evil Fraternity that wants to put an end to World peace using Kryptonite and a Merc cab driving Basanti. Also features, a parallel story line about how Jai and Veeru are in reality not only long lost brothers working undercover as students but also miraculously turn out to be the Thakur’s sons.



5. Sanjay Leela Bhansali:

Radha (Rani) is deaf and blind, Basanti (Aishwarya), the Thakur’s daughter drives an old Rolls Royce, Jai (Amitabh) is a forgetful aged teacher, Veeru (Salman) almost drinks himself to death for the love of his life, Thakur (Vikram Gokhale) is an old generation classical singer living in a grandiose haveli and Gabbar (Devgan) was Thakur’s ex-student who fell in love with the Thakur’s daughter and thus was banished from the haveli. At the end of 100 glycerin bottles and being hurtled thru the time-space conundrum from one lavish poetic set to another, the audience is left befuddled and in tears. The movie ends up winning the best filmfare and is India’s official entry into the Oscars.

RGV ki Aag

Anyways, I did end up watching RGV ki Aag last weekend. And believe me when I say this but it definitely is the worst film ever made. RGV came close with his remake of Shiva as well as the irritating James but he has topped himself. This is a cult classic, almost comes close to the Gunda, the epitome of everything that could go bad in a movie. However at least Gunda entertains with its inert stupidness and cheapness, RGV ki Aag does neither. Its the one movie that I could not even watch beyond 20 minutes, and the very fact that RGV had the insolence to claim its a remake of the best hindi movie ever made is sheer blasphemy. The camera angles that RGV uses as a director is an insult to film-making. Whatever happened to the guy who once made Rangeela, Satya and Company.

Heyy baby

Well since we could not tolerate RGV ki Aag beyond 20 minutes, we ended up watching Sajid Khan's disaster so called family comedy "Heyy Baby". Now this is a guy whose only fame to claim beyond being Farah Khan's brother was the show that he hosted in the 90s making fun of hamming in movies. Heyy baby was one of the worst comedies I have ever seen in my life. A cheap re-make of the excellent 3 Men and a Baby, this movie is both cheap and un-funny. The actors do a decent job, but the scriptwriters were probably on vacation. Imagine a movie about a baby, featuring item girls and stressing thru the movie on one night stands. Family film my foot. Besides this he's made it into an emotional melodrama towards the end. Sigh, the Karan Johar influence never stops does it.

Dhamaal

Another remake of an English movie and inspirations from a dozen other. Creativity is dead in Bollywood. Maybe they could just release the dubbed versions in India, they would at least be good. Fortunately I wasnt able to watch till the end of this movie but this movie was way over the top, almost as much as Partner. I still want to watch this movie till the end.

1. Basic Premise - Its a Mad Mad Mad World.

2. Scenes Copied Frame by frame from - Road Trip

3. Zip It scene - Austin Powers

4. Scenes of Mr. Bean

5. 3-4 jokes were popular Sardarji jokes that you must have heard as a kid

And all this was within the first hour of the movie. This is the first movie ever that I have differed with Rajeev Masand's views.

Phew, thats enough of Bollywood for a month, I need to recover some of my senses after watching all the nonsensical fare dished out. Well the Indian team is doing pretty well in the World Twenty20 cup as we speak, so will have something on that front next. ;)


ps: * SRH -> Sourabh R Herwadkar

SRH ke Cholaaaaaaay - Part 1

It’s finally here, the most un-awaited movie event of the year. RGV (Ram Gopal Varma for the uninitiated) finally released his version of “Sholay”. Its one thing to be brave (read crazy) enough to remake a classic but to be audacious enough to remake the best Bollywood phillum of all times is sheer foolishness. But then for his staunchest fans, there was always the slightest hope that if the Godfather had inspired RGV enough to come up with Sarkar, perhaps Sholay would inspire him to come up with an effort that if not close enough to the original, at least would be worth a “dekho”. But that was before he announced the ‘mis’-casting and the name of the movie, the narcissistically titled “RGV ki Aag”.

Now this release got all the Gen Next of directors thinking. In an industry which works entirely on inspired creativity, all of them got a creative jolt at the same time. Why not attempt to make their own version of Sholay, in their own inimitable styles, a certin recipe for success. The scripts were written and the casting was done. Shooting on each of these projects was scheduled to begin shortly.

However yours truly managed to get an insider scoop on the projects and the highly secretive scripts. (Yup, this time these directors were not taking any chances and actually did have page long scripts) So here we go.


1. Karan Johar

Dharma Productions was one of the first to get the cast ready. Karan didn’t have to look too far to get his usual stellar star cast. SRK promised to play the role of Jai, Saif plays Veeru. Unlike the original, Jai and Veeru are a couple of young NRIs in Manhattan clad in Gap jeans and Tommy tees. Their usual job is to con the wealthy single women in NY out of their riches and go party at a local desi night club. As with previous Karan Johar movies that do not have a shred of violence in them, the character of Gabbar Singh played by Amitabh has undergone a radical shift. He’s no longer a violent man. Gabbar Singh and his associates play a team of goons who own a restaurant in Queens that regularly fleece customers.

On the other side of the block there is a friendly Punjabi family living in the vicinity who sing and dance at the drop of a hat. Anupam Kher plays an ex-principal named Thakur and Jaya Bachchan his wife live with their kids, Preity Zinta and Abhishek (in a guest appearance). One day to celebrate his green card, Thakur takes his family to the restaurant mentioned above. At this point there is a kahani mein twist. Gabbar and his cohorts charge them a 25% tip on an already overpriced menu. Abhishek is deeply affected by this atrocity and gets hit by a car in his moment of anguish, while the principal loses his pinkie toe trying to save him. Thakur plots revenge. How he gets his emotional revenge with the help of Veeru and Jai forms the rest of the story.

As the tag line says, it’s all about loving your neighborhood Principal. The film also deeply explores the relationship between Jai and the principal’s newly widowed daughter Preity and the story about Veeru and a garrulous desi NYC gal cab-driver Basanti, played by Rani. Heavy on emotions, this is a surefire hit for the summer.

Ps: The sequel will explore the tensions and relationships that occur when a married Veeru gets tired of his wife Basanti’s continuous chatter and falls in love with the quieter re-married Preity.


2. Ram Gopal Varma

RGV was saddened when critics slammed his film, RGV ki Aag. So he decided to make a remake of his own remake of Sholay. Since he was confident about his direction and his script, he decided to change his cast. Abhishek was asked to play the role of Jai and Viveik Oberoi, the role of Veeru. Urmilla was cast as the chatterbox rickshaw wali while Ramu’s favorite pin up girl Nisha Kothari gets her 25th lease of life as the widowed mini skirt wearing Radha. Amitabh is cast as Don Gabbar Ibrahim and the movie is based in the heart of the Mumbai underworld. Gabbar is a more realistic ruthless don this time around and shows no mercy to the commissioner or his family. The commissioner plots revenge with the help of Jai and Veeru.
Needless to say, the critics slammed his film yet again and as of now, the buzz is that he is planning a remake of his remake of his remake of Sholay with Amitabh reprising his role of Gabbar. He also has plans for the sequel and plans to cast the entire Bacchan family, Shweta Bachchan and Aishwarya Bachchan included. His few staunch fans keep hoping that third time is lucky for remakes.


3. Ashutosh Gowarikar

Now this is a surprising development since Ashutosh is known to make original movies. Common, I am sure he hadn’t watched Die Hard before he made Baazi. Just plain ugly co-incidence. Anyways Ashutosh himself decided to make his own version of Sholay. Aamir, his best friend was immediately cast as Veeru and Hrithik as Jai, while the rest of the cast was handpicked by Aamir himself mostly featuring new comers since the other actors don’t usually prefer working with him.

The film itself is set in the 19th century and Gabbar Simpson is played by a sadistic British Officer. He defeats an Indian team led by Thakur Singhji, India’s first great cricketer by using unsavory tactics like bodyline permanently injuring him. His son, a promising young cricketer is killed when hit on the head by a beamer (we are not talking about the BMW here), widowing Thakur’s daughter in law, Radha played by the girl from Swades. Thakur plots revenge by hiring Jai and Veeru who are a couple of fodder stealing villagers. Jai and Veeru train the villagers with the help of a bail-gaadi waali played by the girl from Lagaan and challenge the British to another match, captained by the handless Thakur himself. In the end, Thakur manages to hit catch Gabbar Simpson out of the last ball latching on to the ball spectacularly with his mouth.


(to be continued)

--------------------------------

Kricket with Karan !!!!

1. India lose yet again !!!!

In the era where teams pick 6 batsmen, a batsman wicketkeeper and 4 bowlers who can bat a bit (all of whom can field) , we have picked a team with 4 batsmen out of which 3 are in their 30s, 2 wicketkeepers who are not batting at all and 5 bowlers who wouldnt know the difference between a bat and a hockey stick (the only fielding they are capable for is fielding for ads). Bravo team India!!!!

I think Ganguly needs to re-re-invent himself for the one dayers. In the past he has been responsible for so many wonderful attacking knocks, he still holds a spot in the Indian test team but on his current slow batting he wouldnt make it to a Chunabhatti 11. While other teams attack in the first 20 overs, Ganguly grinds himself in and then gets out just when you most need him. Singles are a luxury this Maharaja cannot afford, running is for the common people.

His opening partner is Sachin Tendulkar, no longer the player he was in his prime and yet for the past 2 months has done most of the scoring for team India; albeit at a relatively slower pace than before. This pair is followed by Dinesh Karthik, definitely not a sight that would scare a bowler anywhere in the world.

Then there is Dhoni, a player who on his day can destroy most attacks. But there is a huge catch. He does it only on the subcontinental pitches where he can whip any ball way into the stands. I havent yet seen an innings of note from him in a one dayer on foriegn soil. Not West Indies, nor South Africa and definitely not in England. The Aussies will be waiting in glee. Yet for the selectors, the team management and the public he remains their hero. A hero at home a zero abroad I must say.

That leads to the bowlers. The less I say about the fast bowlers the better. They bowled extremely well in the test matches but here, they dont have a clue as to where they should be bowling or should I say spraying the ball.

As for the fielding, ahh the fielding. Well what do I say about that. Last I heard, the English batsmen dont even try to play into gaps anymore. The hit it straight to the fielder, go to the pavilion, have some tea and come back to complete the single. The only run out the Indian team managed so far was when someone put some chat masala in Collingwood's tea and he had to make an extended rest room call before he could come back and complete the single. By that time RP had miraculously managed to flick the ball towards Dhoni on the 10th attenpt (he was trying to throw it to the bowler but got Dhoni instead) and got him run out by a whisker.

Phew, thats that for Cricket. As for the Bollywood news,


2. Koffeeeeeeee

I managed to watch KWK on Sunday for the sole reason that Deepika Padukone was supposed to feature in it. However most of the show was dedicated to SRK and Farah Khan. It was like a bunch of gossipy American school girls talking to each other like BFFs would (Best Friends Forever). Mutual admiration society of mutually admiring mutual admirers. Yappity yappity yap. Both have been on the show a thousand times before, sometimes I think they should rename the show to KWKSF (Koffee with Karan beta, SRK uncle and Farah aunty), where these three meet each other every week, praise each other and talk about each others movies. All in English of course, the language of the Indian masses.

But then the torture was probably worth it cause at the end of the show, a gorgeous Deepika walked in wearing a stunning red evening dress.

Thats all for this post.

Seinfeldisms

1. I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?

2. It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

3. What is a date really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you’ll wind up naked.

4. You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, "See if you can blow this out."

5. Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

6. Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.

7. Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

8. That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me

9. There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."

10. According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.

11. Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason

12. The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. "Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here."

13. Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel."

14. Why do they call it a "building"? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a "built"?

15. People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to

16. Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.

17. The big advantage of a book is it's very easy to rewind. Close it and you're right back at the beginning.

18. I have a friend who’s collecting unemployment insurance. This guy has never worked so hard in his life as he has to keep this thing going. He’s down there every week, waiting on the lines and getting interviewed and making up all these lies about looking for jobs. If they had any idea of the effort and energy that he is expending to avoid work, I’m sure they’d give him a raise.

19. To me, a lawyer is basically the person that knows the rules of the country. We're all throwing the dice, playing the game, moving our pieces around the board, but if there is a problem the lawyer is the only person who has read the inside of the top of the box.

20. Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

21. The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the same; so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device, created by women because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over, and she marries the next guy.

22. My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law.

23. I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can't smell it. Can't eat it. Can't taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, "Well, here it is. You can't have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye."

24. Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.

25. See, the thing of it is, there's a lot of ugly people out there walking around but they don't know they're ugly because nobody actually tells them.

26. What would the world be like if people said whatever they were thinking, all the time, whenever it came to them? How long would a blind date last? About 13 seconds, I think. "Oh, sorry, your rear end is too big." "That's ok, your breath stinks anyway. See you later."

27. You know what I never get with the limo? The tinted windows. Is that so people don't see you? Yeah, what a better way not to have people notice you than taking a thirty foot Cadillac with a TV antenna and a uniformed driver. How discreet. Nobody cares who's in the limo. You see a limo go by, you know it's either some rich jerk or fifty prom kids with $1.75 each.

28. You can measure distance by time. "How far away is it?" "Oh about 20 minutes." But it doesn't work the other way. "When do you get off work?" "Around 3 miles."

29. Are there keys to a plane? Maybe that's what those delays are sometimes, when you're just sitting there at the gate. Maybe the pilot sits up there in the cockpit going, "Oh, I don't believe this. Dammit..I did it again." They tell you it's something mechanical because they don't want to come on the P.A. system, "Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to be delayed here on the ground for a while. I uh..Oh, God this is so embarrassing...I, I left the keys to the plane in my apartment. They're in this big ashtray by the front door. I'm sorry, I'll run back and get them."

30. I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why does moisture ruin leather? Aren't cows outside a lot of the time? When it's raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in! We're all wearing leather! Open the door! We're going to ruin the whole outfit here!"

Wackiest Characters on TV

Most of my blogs till date have been about Movies and Cricket. Since I haven’t watched a B-grade movie since Partner and SRK surprised me with a restrained performance in Chak De India (his first since Swades), I must refrain from making fun of the King of ham and cheese. As for cricket, after raising our hopes by playing excellent cricket to win the test series, team India showed its true blue color and promptly lost a one day match to an English team. Lord praise the Indian spirit, for as the wise men of Indian cricket believe, never kick an opponent when he’s down, in fact offer him a hand to stand and treat him to some Chicken Kebabs. Such generosity!

Latest news in since I wrote that last paragraph is that team India played fabulous to win the second match and shot itself right in the foot to lose the third match. Consistent at being inconsistent!

So that doesn’t leave me with many topics to write. Spent a Sunday at the India Day Parade marching with the Marathi Mandal yelling out patriotic slogans (at the end of the day my voice was more like a croak) and trying to get a glimpse of the very-pretty Priyanka Chopra. All the other floats more or less featured a bevy of what I think were ABCD PYTs gyrating to the latest remixed Bollywood and a fusion of Bhangra-Hip Hop songs. They seemed to have come straight from partying all nite at a Desi / Bhangra Blowout club in midtown. At times it felt like I was at the Brazilian Carnival at Rio than an India day parade in NY. However the one float that impressed me had a band of Americans playing out a classic patriotic Hindi song.

Going back to my topic for the post, the one thing that has kept me occupied most weekdays in the past 2 years since I started working in NY has been the re-runs of the 90s sitcoms on TBS and Fox. Here's a list of who I think are the wackiest characters I have seen so far on a TV screen, along with some of the most memorable quotes.

1. Homer Simpson (The Simpsons)

Marge: Homer! There's someone here who can help you...
Homer: Is it Batman?
Marge: No, he's a scientist.
Homer: Batman's a scientist?!
Marge: It's not Batman!

Homer: Aw, twenty dollars! I wanted a peanut!
Homer's Brain: Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts!
Homer: Explain how!
Homer's Brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services!
Homer: Woo-hoo!


2. Cosmo Kramer (Seinfeld)

Kramer: It's a write off for them.
Jerry: How is it a write off?
Kramer: They just write it off.
Jerry: Write it off what?
Kramer: Jerry, all these big companies, they write off everything.
Jerry: You don't even know what a write off is.
Kramer: Do you?
Jerry: No. I Don't.
Kramer: But they do. And they're the ones writing it off.
Jerry: I wish I could have the last 20 seconds of my life back.


Dean Jones: "I've been reviewing Darren's internship journal. Doing laundry, mending chicken wire, high tea with a Mr. Newman?"
Kramer: "Well, it all sounds pretty glamorous, but it's business as usual at Kramerica."
Dean Jones: "Far as I can tell, your entire enterprise is little more than a solitary man with a messy apartment which may or may not contain a chicken."
Kramer: "And with Darren's help, we'll get that chicken!"

Kramer: Who's gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It's chocolate, it's. peppermint; it's delicious!
Jerry: That's true.
Kramer: It's very refreshing!


3. Peter Griffin and Stewie (The Family Guy)

Bonnie: Somebody save him, he can't swim!
Peter: Oh, he's not even kicking. Kick Joe, kick.
Lois: Peter, he's a paraplegic!
Peter: That doesn't mean he can't hear. Kick Joe, kick!

Brian Griffin: So what happened?
Stewie Griffin: Well, you wanna know what I learned this week? Being a grown-up sucks. Women, Brian, what a royal pain in the ass. It's like, it's like why can't you just hang out with guys, you know, just live with someone of your own sex, just do what you do with women, but with your buddy. You know what, why don't guys just do that?
Brian Griffin: They do. It's called being gay.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, is that what gay is? Oh, yeah. I could totally get into that.


4. Newman (Sienfeld)

George Costanza: Let me ask you something... What do you do for a living, Newman?
Newman: I'm a United States postal worker.
George Costanza: Aren't those the guys that always go crazy and come back with a gun and shoot everybody?
Newman: Sometimes.
Jerry: Why is that?
Newman: Because the mail never stops. It just keeps coming and coming and coming. There's never a letup, It's relentless. Every day it piles up more and more, but the more you get out, the more it keeps coming. And then the bar code reader breaks. And then it's Publisher's Clearinghouse day.
Jerry: All right, all right.

[Jerry takes Newman's mail route so Newman can get transfered to Hawaii]
Newman: Too many people got their mail. Close to 80%. Nobody's ever cracked the 50% barrier.
Jerry: I tried my best!
Newman: *Exactly*. You're a disgrace to the uniform.
[Newman rips USPS patch off of coat]
Jerry: You know, this is your coat.
Newman: [looks at torn patch] Damn.

Jerry: Newman, you wouldn't eat broccoli if it was deep fried in chocolate sauce.
Newman: I love broccoli. It's good for you.
Jerry: Really? Then maybe you'd like to have a piece?
Newman: Gladly.
[Newman spits it out]
Newman: Vile weed!

Newman: Hello, Jerry.
Jerry: Hello, Newman.


5. Michael Kelso (70s show)

[Donna and Kelso are hiding under a bed.]
Donna Pinciotti: Is that your hand on my ass?
Michael Kelso: It was an accident.
Donna Pinciotti: Kelso, your hand's still on my ass.
Michael Kelso: IT'S STILL AN ACCIDENT!

I would also like to make a mention of the neurotic George Costanza (Seinfeld), Stephen Colbert (Colbert Report), Niles Crane (Frasier), Frank Barrone (70's Show), the kids from South Park (OMG!!! They Killed Kenny. You b@$t@rds) and the Medical staff of Scrubs.

Existence amidst complete Chaos - Independent India

CHAK DE INDIA

Its 15^th August tomorrow and we celebrate the 60^th year of our independence. The only memories I have of this day is waking up early in the morning going to school, singing the national anthem, pretending to listen to a chief guest, eat some sweets and be back home for breakfast. The evening was spent playing a fine game of cricket. More often that not, Doordarshan would play Richard Attenborough’s Gandhi or one of the many patriotic Manoj Kumar movies. Rangoli and Chitrahaar would play an hour of patriotic classics. These days my independence day means marching thru the heart of Manhattan as part of the India day parade. To see so many flag waving Indians lined up in the streets of Manhattan is a great feeling. The NY parade is the largest one outside India.

Being born in free India post emergency, I can probably never understand the importance of freedom since it’s something that I have always taken for granted nor can I possibly imagine the scale of sacrifices made by people.

In spite of all the imperfections and problems that besiege us, from corruption in all places to religious extremism and terrorism, from poverty and farmer suicides to lagging infrastructure, from proliferation of slums in cities to the mockery of justice for the rich and mighty, from traffic chaos to a pathetic record in international sports and chaos which reigns supreme in almost every facet of life, the very fact that we still continue to make great progress and flourish is a miracle and a tribute to the people. We are second to none and proud of that. Mess with us at your own peril. After all we are a civilization that has thrived for more than 5000 years and we plan on being here for a long time. We are the future and we better be, since 1/7th of every person in the world is Indian.

So a Happy Independence Day and a silent prayer to all those who made celebrating this day possible ;)!!!

A Tale of 3 Hindi Movies

Recently I watched 3 movies in a row, each a cult classic in distributing misery and I believe its now time that I wrote a blog about them. If Bollywood keeps churning out such movies in the coming months and years, we will definitely be a force to reckon with in World Cinema and especially on Razzie nights.

It's for you to choose which movie is the best of the worst of the lot.

1. Aap ka surooor -

This movie has it all, a bearded, nasal singing, cap clad HR whose attempt at acting would leave everyone cringing in their sits pulling out their hair in sheer frustration. This movie is definitely not for the faint hearted and could be used in the future as a torture device that would get even the most hardened of criminals to start singing like canaries.

Some of the classic scenes of the movie include:

1. The story goes that HR heroically performed a couple of stunts on his own. These included 1. smiling for the first time on camera and 2. removing his cap at the end of the movie revealing his coiffure. The best kept secret in Bollywood is finally out of the cap.

2. The brilliant sequence in the movie where a group of auto-rikshaws in 'Germany' manage to over power a bunch of cop cars to help HR escape and prove his innocence.

3. The scene where the cops come to catch HR after his performance and he yells out Sunny Deol style, "This is a mistake".

4. His phone conversation with wannabe Dimple when HR barks out, "Jhooooot !!!!!! (lenghty pause) I love you !!!!!" after every sentence that she says.

5. Trying to out-sing Kishore in "Dard-E-Dil" and RD in "Mehbooba Mehbooba" as well his own unique rendition of the Gayatri Mantra.

6. When he looks at his FIL and asks him to judge him as a person from his eyes (it took all of 30 minutes for the FIL to locate HR's eyes hidden somewhere in between the beard and the cap).

7. Also check out the ishhtyle in which he works up the crowd in his initial performance in the movie.

8. His scene where he turns down Mallika Sherawat. If my sources are to be believed, they had to re-do the take for this scene around 100 times since Mallika ended up bursting into laughter every time he rejected her. Finally they had to tape her mouth shut to complete the scene.

If nothing else, at least this movie as well as the music in the movie has some originality that is unfortunately lacking in most of the movies being released these days. However if originality means coming up with a script like AKS, only god can save us. But the news is that HR is making a sequel to this movie which he says will explain why he wears a cap in the first place. One of the great unsolved mysteries of the world ranked alongside the Bermuda triangle and the Abominable Snowman will finally be revealed.

2. Jhoom Barabar Jhoom

Movie number 2 on our list is a madcap comedy from the not so able hands of Shaad Ali. The movie features Outlandishly garish costumes, colorful locations, Amitabh dressed up as the cross-bred of an Ostrich and a Pirate and an over acting star cast which includes a loud Jr. Bacchan, a not so pretty Zinta, an over-acting Deol and a french Lara Dutta. Yash raj films and Shaad figured that with their splendid cast, they probably did not need a script.

Highlights of the movie include

1. Someone came up with the brilliant idea that Amitabh would play a musical sutradhar wearing a hat with an Ostrich feather and armed with a double barrelled guitar. Everytime the director would run out of ideas, which is quite often, AB comes barging in with a 100 extras singing the title track. Kudos to the director for making the greatest superstar in Bollywood look like an old crazy fool.

2. Jr. B for his "oh blimey" Punjabi accented English and Lara Dutta for her French accented and then later gutter hindi. They have actually done a pretty decent job with whatever scope they had. If only apna director saab had given them a decent script.

3. When Lara Dutta says "Mujhe ticket nahi, Thukral chahiye" in her french accent and later when they break into a dance in front of the Louvre and Eiffel Tower.

4. Bobby Deol childishly saying "I hate you" to every other person.

5. Preity Zinta over plastered with make up. She has started to look too old to keep on doing all those cute cuddly bubbly roles that she's famous for.

6. The jazzy clothes in the movie, put even Puff Daddy and Snoop Doggy Dog to shame.

7. The stories that Rikki Thukral (Jr. B) and Alvira Khan (PZ) make up about the respective fiancés Anaida (LD) and Steve Singh (BD) and how they met each other are so over the top that no sensible person could have possibly believed them. So are the tastless jokes about Princess Diana's death.

Watch this movie at your own risk if you have 3 hours of your life to waste. The effect of the movie is that when I was watching Bourne Ultimatum this weekend and there was a tense thrilling scene based at Waterloo station (where Rikki and Alvira exchange stories and Amitabh keeps making his crazy dance appearances in JBJ), I half expected Matt Damon to start exchanging love stories with an assassin trying to kill him and for Amitabh to pop out of nowhere and start singing.

3. Partner

If watching 2 movies wasn't enough, we ended up watching a hat trick of movies. Partner is the third movie on the list. It is yet another "comedy" movie from the able hands of David Dhawan starring the "definitely needs to slim down" Govinda and the "Take of your shirt at the drop of a paisa", Salman Khan. Unlike the first 2 movies on our list, the producers of Partner had a successful script to work on. The movie is based entirely on the hilarious Will Smith and Kevin James comedy "Hitch". This movie is the perfect example of how to mess up a movie even with a ready made script.

Highlights include :

1. Salman Khan plays his usual role of a topless Body Builder who wears a shirt only as a prop and famous alumni and founder of the "Primate" school of acting. On the brighter side Sallu is a lot more tolerable in this movie as compared to his roles in "Mujhse Laathi Maarogi", "Maine Yeh Movie Kyooooon Dekha" and "Bye bye Brother".

2. Govinda is back and back for good. It took him around 3 years to realise that politics is not as easy as acting in a David Dhawan movie. Theres always been something likeable about Govinda but this movie sees him getting onto our nerves just a little. He definitely needs to slim down and start demanding some sensible comedy scripts like "Deewana Mastana" from his directors.

3. The scene with Sallu's 6 yr old nephew and his voice activated heat seeking missile. This kid is going to be the next missile man, APJ Kalam can rest easy. As unbelievable as that may have sound, there is a 10 minute scene which involves Sallu dodging the accidently activated missile.

4. Sallu taking off his shirt at the airport and everywhere else, he just needs a reason.

5. Katrina looks gorgeous; but then she doesnt have much of a role in the movie. (Watch her in Namaste London instead.)

6. All the scenes with Rajpal Yadav as "Chhota Don" a satire on SRK's don. By all means make a satire on SRK's don but the entire substory is completely unfunny. Maybe when you re-make a Hollywood flick, just stick to the original bunch of characters.

The bitter irony being 2 out of the above 3 movies are among the biggest hits of the year in India. Both Partner and AKS have made a lot of money for their producers and would inspire directors to make similar kind of movies. I wonder if we can handle any more crappy HR movies. Probably AKS3 would be about why he has a beard and AKS4 about why he does not smile.

At least I am sure JBJ being a flop would ensure we dont have any more of those. But thanks to the success of Partner, David Dhawan will make a zillion more bad remakes of popular Hollywood comedies and Priyadarshan will continue churning out a similar kind of over the top comedies. But on the brighter side, if they didnt make such movies, maybe we wouldn't be able to sit down, watch them for free and criticize them. :p

Sigh ... God save Bollywood !!!!

Kasablanca

Recently saw the classic Casablanca, one of the best films ever made in Hollywood. For those who havent seen Casablanca, click here.

SO this got me thinking, what if at the very moment as I am writing this blog, one of our creative struggling Bollywood screenwriters has just watched this movie. After one of those "Eurekaaaaa !!!" moment, he spends the next 2 hours jotting down an original screenplay and calls Dharma Productions the very next day. Karan Johar falls in love within minutes of hearing the script, already casting SRK, Preity, Hrithik, Amitabh and Kareena with plum roles in his mind. The music would be by Shankar, Loy and Ehsaan and a guest appearance by Rani and Kajol. Production begins in full earnest, the songs are shot on location all around the world and the movie is now based in New York. Even the name of the movie was simple enough, replace the C with the K and you have a movie blessed by his own personal numerologist and astrologer.

Anyways before we go further off track, yours truly managed to lay hands on a copy of this script. Here's how it goes.

Rahul's is a dhabba cum upscale club located on Lexington Avenue in Manhattan, NY. Our protagonist Rahul played brilliantly by the effervescent SRK owns this joint serving awesome Punjabi food to rich NY based designer clothed desis. His usual customers include the friendly Punjabi uncle, a promiscous aunty, their bespectacled motu daughter whos constantly eyeing SRK, a young Gujrathi couple and groups of college girls and guys hanging out and leching at each other. SRK is a jocular yet cynical man dressed up in his fav Tommy Hillfiger. He even sings and dances with the college kids.

Amitabh Bachchan plays a local Police Commisioner who parties by night and is surrounded by a bevy of beautiful women, a desi Puff Diddy. Hes corrupt and is constantly accomodating a strict NY mayor played by Boman Irani whos trying to clamp down on a resurgent FOB resistance for green cards.

At this point, Rajpal Yadav arrives in Rahuls with 2 Green Cards documents that hes managed to steal from an intoxicated INS official, the first white guy you see in the movie. He manages to pass on those documents to SRK for safe keeping before he's arrested by Commissioner Amitabh in front of the Mayor. He's plan is to sell this to a customer whos going to come into the dhabba later that night for a high price.

Soon after, Hrithik Roshan and Preity Zinta walk into the dhabba, hand in hand seemingly in love. When Preity and SRK are introduced to each other, you can sense that they have a history and know each other from before. Hrithik seems oblivious to this flicker of recognition. Meanwhile Atif Aslam sings a sad song in the background about lost love. A change goes thru SRK, from the normally jocular and seemingly friendly he goes to his office and starts gulping down copious amounts of Alcohol.

Its then when we are shown a flashback, based in Paris almost 2-3 years ago. A young SRK and Preity meet each other for the first time. 3 songs and half an hour later they are madly in love. However SRK finds out the French hate his acting and that Parisian police are closing him on him. Preity promises to meet him at the railway station to go with him to London but doesnt turn up. A dejected SRK boards the train cursing the god of luck.

Back to the present, we realize that Hrithik and Preity badly need the green card to stay back in the US and Preity confides in SRK that shes still in love with him and the only reason she went back to Hrithik was that she didnt know he was alive and had managed to survive the 11 flops that he gave in a row. 3-4 more songs and an hour of emotions later, and 12 cartons of Glycerin bottles later, SRK decides to make the ultimate sacrifice. He holds Amitabh captive and helps Hrithik and Preity get their green cards and live happily ever after. Meanwhile in the melee, SRK shoots Mayor Boman but Amitabh saves him from the police.

And they all lived happily ever after, except sadly Boman.


ps: In the remake of this movie made 20 years later by Farvez Akhtar Jr, SRK plays the role of Amitabh.

About Presidents, Coaches, Summer Parties and SRK

1. SRK

Just read somewhere that SRK is the new BRAND AMBASADOR for Emami's Fairness Cream - Fair and Handsome. Click here. Need I say more.

Here's what a critic had to say on SRK's performance in KANK that I thought was really funny yet spot on :p

"For those of us who've been hoping for a new and improved SRK, this isn't the film. Shah Rukh hams supreme, scowling and smirking seemingly in slow motion, each facial twitch exaggerated to painful proportions. From heavy breathing to simpering, breathless sobs to caricatured anger, KANK provides a virtual gallery of Khan at his most over-the-top, with the actor's emphasis making the most derivative 'American' lines very painful indeed."

2. Bloomberg Summer Party

If there is one event that I look forward to every summer, its the Bloomberg Annual Summer Party. Food, drinks and fun unlimited. Tried my hand at lawn chess (yup lawn chess, the chess pieces were each 3 feet high and u had to walk on the chess board to play).

3. Coach Kaun Banega

The news is that Zee TV and BCCI are planning on holding a reality show called Coach Kaun Banega based on American Idol. Contestants will undergo rigorous qualifying rounds in front of a panel of judges that include Niranjan Shah (Paula), Sunny Gavaskar(Simon) and Sharad Pawar(Randy). Votes coming in may be counted but final decision rests solely on the three stooges, oops I mean judges.

The winner gets the job of the Indian coach. Perks include being ridiculed and bullied and blamed for all of BCCI follies and any cricketer attitude problems. Lucky losers get to go home to less lucrative but peaceful coaching jobs.

Jo Jeeta Wohi Coach baaki sab Sikandar

4. President Kaun Banega

Rival network Sony is planning on holding a competition to choose the next President of India. There is but a single judge, Sonia Gandhi. Whoever manages to impress Sonia jee the most gets the job.

This is roughly based on the Apprentice. Some of the tasks include lying prostate at Sonia's feet, learning Italian, doing the grocery and baby sitting Rahul and Priyanka.

The winner gets the post of the Prez, the loser gets his self respect back. After every round, Sonia jee will announce in Italian Hindi, "Ab Tumhay Fire Key-YA Jaayega !!!!"

Thats All for Now.

Some of the Things That Irritate me

This is based on the "These are a few of my favorite things" song from the movie "Sound Of Music".

Verizon fiber optics and Cable with no Vision
Shah Rukh over acting and Koffee with Karan
Saas bahu serials and TV shows gone real
These are a few of the most irritating things

Selection of cricket coaches and an apartment with roaches
C graded phillums and sweet sour chicken
crazy campin neighbours and drink drivin beamers
These are a few of the most irritating things

Sonia speaks no Hindi and Advani's a Sindhi
wierd crazy Lefties and corrupt politician hefties
crazy terrorists with guns and Priyadarshan movies r no fun
These are a few of the most irritating things

awesome online dealers and furniture late delivered
emotional teary melodramas and john needs a barber
Rakhi's wild gyration and Sallu's wearing no shirt
These are a few of the most irritating things

when indian wkts fall
when the cable walas call
when srk over talks

I simply tear out my favorite things and then I feel worse.

My World This Week

1. Ford rejects BCCI offer. Lolz. I have never seen a world sporting body shoot itself in the foot over and over again. Maybe thats because they have a billion feet to shoot at. Hail Lord Gavaskar, for getting John Emburey with zero coaching credentials as the second candidate for the coaching job. What would Indian cricket be without Sunny!!!

2. The Asians beat the Africans in the Asia-Africa cup. This enthralling event was keenly watched by a total of 4 useless officials, 3 bored spectators, 2 chatty gate keepers and 1 excited Pomeranian puppy. We later heard the Pomeranian was owned by Dhoni who was playing in the match.

Well at least for the world cup, we had over 10 bored spectators and a little over 100 meddling officials. (Unfortunately the poor Pomeranian didn’t get a visa)

3. Whoever comes up with a name like "Fool & Final" for a movie deserves a Gold Medal for creativity. Not only have that, Ahmed bhai managed to convince the entire film industry to act in his movie. This coming from a guy whose directorial debut would have won a Razzie award in the worst film category.

4. Saw "At World's End" and "Oceans 13" back to back. Just as the first one took away my belief that part 3 of a movie franchise could be any good, the later brought it crashing back. Ocean’s 13 is a classy movie, though Catherine Zeta Jones was definitely missed. POTC 3 though had an awesome climactic battle in the midst of a maelstrom. This covered up a little for the convoluted plot of the first hour.

5. Also went to the "Top of The Rock", one of the lesser known landmarks in NYC. Its the top of the Rockefeller Center and offers a panoramic view of Manhattan as breath-taking as from the top of the Empire State.

6. Life in a Metro had some great reviews. Its definitely a well edited and directed movie. But it deserves negative points for having lifted its entire Kay-kay, Kangana and Sharman Joshi sub plot from a classic Jack Lemmon movie called "The Apartment". Irrfan Khan and Konkana offer the comic relief while Shilpa and Kangana look pretty.

Ek Chaalis ki Last Local has a promising premise but loses the plot after a while.

7.

Coach handbag designed by the world's best - $3000
Versace evening Dress - $8000
Partying all Night at Tao's in Vegas - $7000
Brand New Porsche Car - Free (Gift from Rich Dad)
Hotel Stay around the world - Free (Grandfather owns Hotel Chain)

Look on Face when dragged to jail for drunk driving on suspended license - Priceless

- Jokes aside ... Paris is serving a jail sentence for driving on suspended license ... but Sallu, Puru and the rich stupid dude with a BMW walk free for crimes much worse।

Of Cricket and Camping in the Catskills

A lot has changed since the last and the only blog that i have ever written. Hopefully I should be able to devote more time to blogging.

1. Sports Update

The World Cup came and went and the world hardly noticed. Maybe it was because India and Pakistan decided to kick themselves on the foot or maybe it was because the Aussies are just too damned good or maybe its because there is just too much of inconsequential cricket matches going on. So much so that when the real deal comes along, it fails to generate any interest. Does anyone remember the tri-series in Malaysia or even the mini world cup played just 4 months before the WC. At the end of the debacle, the Aussies were unbeaten, the Sri Lankans were brave, the Indians plain lazy while the Pakis couldn't wait to go home. The Brits, the Springboks and the Kiwis just didnt have enough talent to challenge the Aussies. Maybe we should just change the format, and let the Aussies just play the best of the rest.



2. India's busy schedule

You have to hand it to the BCCI. They should probably be nominated for the greediest organisation in the history of sports. India were supposed to come back from the WC in April (maybe that's why they lost and came home early), play Bangladesh in May, go to Ireland and play the South Africans and the Irish before going to England for a test and ODI series. Then they come back to face the Aussies for 7 one dayers and a 20-20 before some players go play the inaugural 20-20 WC. And come back to face Pakistan for a test/ODI series followed by a trip down under to play the Aussies. All within 6 months. In between some players have been selected to play the Afro-Asia cup that no one really likes. No wonder it feels like the Indian team is just going thru the motions most of the time. Hats off to you Mister Modi and Mister Pawar.


3. Summer Camping

Tried out something different this summer. We went camping in the Catskills for the long weekend. It wasn't the first time for me, had learnt it the hard way when I went camping in the Adirondacks and under-estimated the cold weather. In the end, I had to spend the night shivering in the car. Well this time around was a lot more prepared, loaded with torch lights, lamps and a whole array of warm clothing. A-Z of camping rules that I learnt

a) Choose a non rocky ground to put up the tent.

b) A huge rock works as good as a hammer, just watch those fingers though.

c) don't be shy with the firewood (punekars, please avoid the stingyness in at least this respect)

d) make sure to carry something like a broom instead of old navy caps, to sweep the tent

e) make sure there is a walmart and a dunkin within 10 miles of the campsite

f) make sure ur fellow campers dont snore and if they do, just throw them out :p

g) take along a bright light ... or you can forget playing cards

h) sweet corn cobs rock

i) so do hot roasted camp-fired potatoes

j) no keeping watches in pockets ...

k) swimming in cold lakes super rocks, especially with the ambience

l) never order sweet n sour chicken in a chinese restaurant .....

m) confused ducks make for good photography

n) make sure you take along a guy with an SLR to capture the best pics especially if you are currently active on shaadi dot com .... better if you can make SLR guy click some of your pics too

o) make sure your eyes are used to seeing a helluva greenery in two days otherwise wilderness can be irritating, same goes for lakes .... after a while they all look the same

p) make sure you dont take along a guy who's trying his charm on a girl in India otherwise, you are one person short while building up the tent

q) make sure the guy who didnt help with the tent sleeps outside the tent .... bonus points if its the same guy who snores

r) no floroscent green shirts especially if you claim you are straight ... scares your fellow tentmates

s) but then sometimes the floroscent green helps when the battery dies down

t) black is nice (south lake); so are horses (Tillson)

u) hope your wife does not read point t

v) insect repellant can also serve as effective feet deodrants

w) dont forget the maps esp if your car does not have GPS

x) rain and wind act as a good catalyst for campfires

y) avoid GW Bridge at all costs ... unless getting caught in traffic for miles is your idea of fun

and finally

z) watch out for gender confused voodoo practising camping neighbours who are irritated at you with the noise that you made and the smoke that you blew in their general direction when making desperate attempts at lighting your first campfire.

Thats it for now ... will be back with some edits and new posts soon.