Kricket with Karan !!!!

1. India lose yet again !!!!

In the era where teams pick 6 batsmen, a batsman wicketkeeper and 4 bowlers who can bat a bit (all of whom can field) , we have picked a team with 4 batsmen out of which 3 are in their 30s, 2 wicketkeepers who are not batting at all and 5 bowlers who wouldnt know the difference between a bat and a hockey stick (the only fielding they are capable for is fielding for ads). Bravo team India!!!!

I think Ganguly needs to re-re-invent himself for the one dayers. In the past he has been responsible for so many wonderful attacking knocks, he still holds a spot in the Indian test team but on his current slow batting he wouldnt make it to a Chunabhatti 11. While other teams attack in the first 20 overs, Ganguly grinds himself in and then gets out just when you most need him. Singles are a luxury this Maharaja cannot afford, running is for the common people.

His opening partner is Sachin Tendulkar, no longer the player he was in his prime and yet for the past 2 months has done most of the scoring for team India; albeit at a relatively slower pace than before. This pair is followed by Dinesh Karthik, definitely not a sight that would scare a bowler anywhere in the world.

Then there is Dhoni, a player who on his day can destroy most attacks. But there is a huge catch. He does it only on the subcontinental pitches where he can whip any ball way into the stands. I havent yet seen an innings of note from him in a one dayer on foriegn soil. Not West Indies, nor South Africa and definitely not in England. The Aussies will be waiting in glee. Yet for the selectors, the team management and the public he remains their hero. A hero at home a zero abroad I must say.

That leads to the bowlers. The less I say about the fast bowlers the better. They bowled extremely well in the test matches but here, they dont have a clue as to where they should be bowling or should I say spraying the ball.

As for the fielding, ahh the fielding. Well what do I say about that. Last I heard, the English batsmen dont even try to play into gaps anymore. The hit it straight to the fielder, go to the pavilion, have some tea and come back to complete the single. The only run out the Indian team managed so far was when someone put some chat masala in Collingwood's tea and he had to make an extended rest room call before he could come back and complete the single. By that time RP had miraculously managed to flick the ball towards Dhoni on the 10th attenpt (he was trying to throw it to the bowler but got Dhoni instead) and got him run out by a whisker.

Phew, thats that for Cricket. As for the Bollywood news,


2. Koffeeeeeeee

I managed to watch KWK on Sunday for the sole reason that Deepika Padukone was supposed to feature in it. However most of the show was dedicated to SRK and Farah Khan. It was like a bunch of gossipy American school girls talking to each other like BFFs would (Best Friends Forever). Mutual admiration society of mutually admiring mutual admirers. Yappity yappity yap. Both have been on the show a thousand times before, sometimes I think they should rename the show to KWKSF (Koffee with Karan beta, SRK uncle and Farah aunty), where these three meet each other every week, praise each other and talk about each others movies. All in English of course, the language of the Indian masses.

But then the torture was probably worth it cause at the end of the show, a gorgeous Deepika walked in wearing a stunning red evening dress.

Thats all for this post.

Seinfeldisms

1. I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?

2. It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

3. What is a date really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you’ll wind up naked.

4. You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, "See if you can blow this out."

5. Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

6. Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.

7. Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

8. That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me

9. There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."

10. According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.

11. Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason

12. The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. "Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here."

13. Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel."

14. Why do they call it a "building"? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a "built"?

15. People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to

16. Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.

17. The big advantage of a book is it's very easy to rewind. Close it and you're right back at the beginning.

18. I have a friend who’s collecting unemployment insurance. This guy has never worked so hard in his life as he has to keep this thing going. He’s down there every week, waiting on the lines and getting interviewed and making up all these lies about looking for jobs. If they had any idea of the effort and energy that he is expending to avoid work, I’m sure they’d give him a raise.

19. To me, a lawyer is basically the person that knows the rules of the country. We're all throwing the dice, playing the game, moving our pieces around the board, but if there is a problem the lawyer is the only person who has read the inside of the top of the box.

20. Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

21. The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the same; so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device, created by women because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over, and she marries the next guy.

22. My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law.

23. I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can't smell it. Can't eat it. Can't taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, "Well, here it is. You can't have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye."

24. Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.

25. See, the thing of it is, there's a lot of ugly people out there walking around but they don't know they're ugly because nobody actually tells them.

26. What would the world be like if people said whatever they were thinking, all the time, whenever it came to them? How long would a blind date last? About 13 seconds, I think. "Oh, sorry, your rear end is too big." "That's ok, your breath stinks anyway. See you later."

27. You know what I never get with the limo? The tinted windows. Is that so people don't see you? Yeah, what a better way not to have people notice you than taking a thirty foot Cadillac with a TV antenna and a uniformed driver. How discreet. Nobody cares who's in the limo. You see a limo go by, you know it's either some rich jerk or fifty prom kids with $1.75 each.

28. You can measure distance by time. "How far away is it?" "Oh about 20 minutes." But it doesn't work the other way. "When do you get off work?" "Around 3 miles."

29. Are there keys to a plane? Maybe that's what those delays are sometimes, when you're just sitting there at the gate. Maybe the pilot sits up there in the cockpit going, "Oh, I don't believe this. Dammit..I did it again." They tell you it's something mechanical because they don't want to come on the P.A. system, "Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to be delayed here on the ground for a while. I uh..Oh, God this is so embarrassing...I, I left the keys to the plane in my apartment. They're in this big ashtray by the front door. I'm sorry, I'll run back and get them."

30. I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why does moisture ruin leather? Aren't cows outside a lot of the time? When it's raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in! We're all wearing leather! Open the door! We're going to ruin the whole outfit here!"

Wackiest Characters on TV

Most of my blogs till date have been about Movies and Cricket. Since I haven’t watched a B-grade movie since Partner and SRK surprised me with a restrained performance in Chak De India (his first since Swades), I must refrain from making fun of the King of ham and cheese. As for cricket, after raising our hopes by playing excellent cricket to win the test series, team India showed its true blue color and promptly lost a one day match to an English team. Lord praise the Indian spirit, for as the wise men of Indian cricket believe, never kick an opponent when he’s down, in fact offer him a hand to stand and treat him to some Chicken Kebabs. Such generosity!

Latest news in since I wrote that last paragraph is that team India played fabulous to win the second match and shot itself right in the foot to lose the third match. Consistent at being inconsistent!

So that doesn’t leave me with many topics to write. Spent a Sunday at the India Day Parade marching with the Marathi Mandal yelling out patriotic slogans (at the end of the day my voice was more like a croak) and trying to get a glimpse of the very-pretty Priyanka Chopra. All the other floats more or less featured a bevy of what I think were ABCD PYTs gyrating to the latest remixed Bollywood and a fusion of Bhangra-Hip Hop songs. They seemed to have come straight from partying all nite at a Desi / Bhangra Blowout club in midtown. At times it felt like I was at the Brazilian Carnival at Rio than an India day parade in NY. However the one float that impressed me had a band of Americans playing out a classic patriotic Hindi song.

Going back to my topic for the post, the one thing that has kept me occupied most weekdays in the past 2 years since I started working in NY has been the re-runs of the 90s sitcoms on TBS and Fox. Here's a list of who I think are the wackiest characters I have seen so far on a TV screen, along with some of the most memorable quotes.

1. Homer Simpson (The Simpsons)

Marge: Homer! There's someone here who can help you...
Homer: Is it Batman?
Marge: No, he's a scientist.
Homer: Batman's a scientist?!
Marge: It's not Batman!

Homer: Aw, twenty dollars! I wanted a peanut!
Homer's Brain: Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts!
Homer: Explain how!
Homer's Brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services!
Homer: Woo-hoo!


2. Cosmo Kramer (Seinfeld)

Kramer: It's a write off for them.
Jerry: How is it a write off?
Kramer: They just write it off.
Jerry: Write it off what?
Kramer: Jerry, all these big companies, they write off everything.
Jerry: You don't even know what a write off is.
Kramer: Do you?
Jerry: No. I Don't.
Kramer: But they do. And they're the ones writing it off.
Jerry: I wish I could have the last 20 seconds of my life back.


Dean Jones: "I've been reviewing Darren's internship journal. Doing laundry, mending chicken wire, high tea with a Mr. Newman?"
Kramer: "Well, it all sounds pretty glamorous, but it's business as usual at Kramerica."
Dean Jones: "Far as I can tell, your entire enterprise is little more than a solitary man with a messy apartment which may or may not contain a chicken."
Kramer: "And with Darren's help, we'll get that chicken!"

Kramer: Who's gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It's chocolate, it's. peppermint; it's delicious!
Jerry: That's true.
Kramer: It's very refreshing!


3. Peter Griffin and Stewie (The Family Guy)

Bonnie: Somebody save him, he can't swim!
Peter: Oh, he's not even kicking. Kick Joe, kick.
Lois: Peter, he's a paraplegic!
Peter: That doesn't mean he can't hear. Kick Joe, kick!

Brian Griffin: So what happened?
Stewie Griffin: Well, you wanna know what I learned this week? Being a grown-up sucks. Women, Brian, what a royal pain in the ass. It's like, it's like why can't you just hang out with guys, you know, just live with someone of your own sex, just do what you do with women, but with your buddy. You know what, why don't guys just do that?
Brian Griffin: They do. It's called being gay.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, is that what gay is? Oh, yeah. I could totally get into that.


4. Newman (Sienfeld)

George Costanza: Let me ask you something... What do you do for a living, Newman?
Newman: I'm a United States postal worker.
George Costanza: Aren't those the guys that always go crazy and come back with a gun and shoot everybody?
Newman: Sometimes.
Jerry: Why is that?
Newman: Because the mail never stops. It just keeps coming and coming and coming. There's never a letup, It's relentless. Every day it piles up more and more, but the more you get out, the more it keeps coming. And then the bar code reader breaks. And then it's Publisher's Clearinghouse day.
Jerry: All right, all right.

[Jerry takes Newman's mail route so Newman can get transfered to Hawaii]
Newman: Too many people got their mail. Close to 80%. Nobody's ever cracked the 50% barrier.
Jerry: I tried my best!
Newman: *Exactly*. You're a disgrace to the uniform.
[Newman rips USPS patch off of coat]
Jerry: You know, this is your coat.
Newman: [looks at torn patch] Damn.

Jerry: Newman, you wouldn't eat broccoli if it was deep fried in chocolate sauce.
Newman: I love broccoli. It's good for you.
Jerry: Really? Then maybe you'd like to have a piece?
Newman: Gladly.
[Newman spits it out]
Newman: Vile weed!

Newman: Hello, Jerry.
Jerry: Hello, Newman.


5. Michael Kelso (70s show)

[Donna and Kelso are hiding under a bed.]
Donna Pinciotti: Is that your hand on my ass?
Michael Kelso: It was an accident.
Donna Pinciotti: Kelso, your hand's still on my ass.
Michael Kelso: IT'S STILL AN ACCIDENT!

I would also like to make a mention of the neurotic George Costanza (Seinfeld), Stephen Colbert (Colbert Report), Niles Crane (Frasier), Frank Barrone (70's Show), the kids from South Park (OMG!!! They Killed Kenny. You b@$t@rds) and the Medical staff of Scrubs.

Existence amidst complete Chaos - Independent India

CHAK DE INDIA

Its 15^th August tomorrow and we celebrate the 60^th year of our independence. The only memories I have of this day is waking up early in the morning going to school, singing the national anthem, pretending to listen to a chief guest, eat some sweets and be back home for breakfast. The evening was spent playing a fine game of cricket. More often that not, Doordarshan would play Richard Attenborough’s Gandhi or one of the many patriotic Manoj Kumar movies. Rangoli and Chitrahaar would play an hour of patriotic classics. These days my independence day means marching thru the heart of Manhattan as part of the India day parade. To see so many flag waving Indians lined up in the streets of Manhattan is a great feeling. The NY parade is the largest one outside India.

Being born in free India post emergency, I can probably never understand the importance of freedom since it’s something that I have always taken for granted nor can I possibly imagine the scale of sacrifices made by people.

In spite of all the imperfections and problems that besiege us, from corruption in all places to religious extremism and terrorism, from poverty and farmer suicides to lagging infrastructure, from proliferation of slums in cities to the mockery of justice for the rich and mighty, from traffic chaos to a pathetic record in international sports and chaos which reigns supreme in almost every facet of life, the very fact that we still continue to make great progress and flourish is a miracle and a tribute to the people. We are second to none and proud of that. Mess with us at your own peril. After all we are a civilization that has thrived for more than 5000 years and we plan on being here for a long time. We are the future and we better be, since 1/7th of every person in the world is Indian.

So a Happy Independence Day and a silent prayer to all those who made celebrating this day possible ;)!!!

A Tale of 3 Hindi Movies

Recently I watched 3 movies in a row, each a cult classic in distributing misery and I believe its now time that I wrote a blog about them. If Bollywood keeps churning out such movies in the coming months and years, we will definitely be a force to reckon with in World Cinema and especially on Razzie nights.

It's for you to choose which movie is the best of the worst of the lot.

1. Aap ka surooor -

This movie has it all, a bearded, nasal singing, cap clad HR whose attempt at acting would leave everyone cringing in their sits pulling out their hair in sheer frustration. This movie is definitely not for the faint hearted and could be used in the future as a torture device that would get even the most hardened of criminals to start singing like canaries.

Some of the classic scenes of the movie include:

1. The story goes that HR heroically performed a couple of stunts on his own. These included 1. smiling for the first time on camera and 2. removing his cap at the end of the movie revealing his coiffure. The best kept secret in Bollywood is finally out of the cap.

2. The brilliant sequence in the movie where a group of auto-rikshaws in 'Germany' manage to over power a bunch of cop cars to help HR escape and prove his innocence.

3. The scene where the cops come to catch HR after his performance and he yells out Sunny Deol style, "This is a mistake".

4. His phone conversation with wannabe Dimple when HR barks out, "Jhooooot !!!!!! (lenghty pause) I love you !!!!!" after every sentence that she says.

5. Trying to out-sing Kishore in "Dard-E-Dil" and RD in "Mehbooba Mehbooba" as well his own unique rendition of the Gayatri Mantra.

6. When he looks at his FIL and asks him to judge him as a person from his eyes (it took all of 30 minutes for the FIL to locate HR's eyes hidden somewhere in between the beard and the cap).

7. Also check out the ishhtyle in which he works up the crowd in his initial performance in the movie.

8. His scene where he turns down Mallika Sherawat. If my sources are to be believed, they had to re-do the take for this scene around 100 times since Mallika ended up bursting into laughter every time he rejected her. Finally they had to tape her mouth shut to complete the scene.

If nothing else, at least this movie as well as the music in the movie has some originality that is unfortunately lacking in most of the movies being released these days. However if originality means coming up with a script like AKS, only god can save us. But the news is that HR is making a sequel to this movie which he says will explain why he wears a cap in the first place. One of the great unsolved mysteries of the world ranked alongside the Bermuda triangle and the Abominable Snowman will finally be revealed.

2. Jhoom Barabar Jhoom

Movie number 2 on our list is a madcap comedy from the not so able hands of Shaad Ali. The movie features Outlandishly garish costumes, colorful locations, Amitabh dressed up as the cross-bred of an Ostrich and a Pirate and an over acting star cast which includes a loud Jr. Bacchan, a not so pretty Zinta, an over-acting Deol and a french Lara Dutta. Yash raj films and Shaad figured that with their splendid cast, they probably did not need a script.

Highlights of the movie include

1. Someone came up with the brilliant idea that Amitabh would play a musical sutradhar wearing a hat with an Ostrich feather and armed with a double barrelled guitar. Everytime the director would run out of ideas, which is quite often, AB comes barging in with a 100 extras singing the title track. Kudos to the director for making the greatest superstar in Bollywood look like an old crazy fool.

2. Jr. B for his "oh blimey" Punjabi accented English and Lara Dutta for her French accented and then later gutter hindi. They have actually done a pretty decent job with whatever scope they had. If only apna director saab had given them a decent script.

3. When Lara Dutta says "Mujhe ticket nahi, Thukral chahiye" in her french accent and later when they break into a dance in front of the Louvre and Eiffel Tower.

4. Bobby Deol childishly saying "I hate you" to every other person.

5. Preity Zinta over plastered with make up. She has started to look too old to keep on doing all those cute cuddly bubbly roles that she's famous for.

6. The jazzy clothes in the movie, put even Puff Daddy and Snoop Doggy Dog to shame.

7. The stories that Rikki Thukral (Jr. B) and Alvira Khan (PZ) make up about the respective fiancés Anaida (LD) and Steve Singh (BD) and how they met each other are so over the top that no sensible person could have possibly believed them. So are the tastless jokes about Princess Diana's death.

Watch this movie at your own risk if you have 3 hours of your life to waste. The effect of the movie is that when I was watching Bourne Ultimatum this weekend and there was a tense thrilling scene based at Waterloo station (where Rikki and Alvira exchange stories and Amitabh keeps making his crazy dance appearances in JBJ), I half expected Matt Damon to start exchanging love stories with an assassin trying to kill him and for Amitabh to pop out of nowhere and start singing.

3. Partner

If watching 2 movies wasn't enough, we ended up watching a hat trick of movies. Partner is the third movie on the list. It is yet another "comedy" movie from the able hands of David Dhawan starring the "definitely needs to slim down" Govinda and the "Take of your shirt at the drop of a paisa", Salman Khan. Unlike the first 2 movies on our list, the producers of Partner had a successful script to work on. The movie is based entirely on the hilarious Will Smith and Kevin James comedy "Hitch". This movie is the perfect example of how to mess up a movie even with a ready made script.

Highlights include :

1. Salman Khan plays his usual role of a topless Body Builder who wears a shirt only as a prop and famous alumni and founder of the "Primate" school of acting. On the brighter side Sallu is a lot more tolerable in this movie as compared to his roles in "Mujhse Laathi Maarogi", "Maine Yeh Movie Kyooooon Dekha" and "Bye bye Brother".

2. Govinda is back and back for good. It took him around 3 years to realise that politics is not as easy as acting in a David Dhawan movie. Theres always been something likeable about Govinda but this movie sees him getting onto our nerves just a little. He definitely needs to slim down and start demanding some sensible comedy scripts like "Deewana Mastana" from his directors.

3. The scene with Sallu's 6 yr old nephew and his voice activated heat seeking missile. This kid is going to be the next missile man, APJ Kalam can rest easy. As unbelievable as that may have sound, there is a 10 minute scene which involves Sallu dodging the accidently activated missile.

4. Sallu taking off his shirt at the airport and everywhere else, he just needs a reason.

5. Katrina looks gorgeous; but then she doesnt have much of a role in the movie. (Watch her in Namaste London instead.)

6. All the scenes with Rajpal Yadav as "Chhota Don" a satire on SRK's don. By all means make a satire on SRK's don but the entire substory is completely unfunny. Maybe when you re-make a Hollywood flick, just stick to the original bunch of characters.

The bitter irony being 2 out of the above 3 movies are among the biggest hits of the year in India. Both Partner and AKS have made a lot of money for their producers and would inspire directors to make similar kind of movies. I wonder if we can handle any more crappy HR movies. Probably AKS3 would be about why he has a beard and AKS4 about why he does not smile.

At least I am sure JBJ being a flop would ensure we dont have any more of those. But thanks to the success of Partner, David Dhawan will make a zillion more bad remakes of popular Hollywood comedies and Priyadarshan will continue churning out a similar kind of over the top comedies. But on the brighter side, if they didnt make such movies, maybe we wouldn't be able to sit down, watch them for free and criticize them. :p

Sigh ... God save Bollywood !!!!