Yeh Hai Mumbai Meri Jaan !!!!

Recently T-Raj, decided to tackle his pet issue of Mumbai being off-limits for non-Maharashtrians by chairing a secret high powered committee to lay down the rules for a new and more Marathi Mumbai.

Fortunately for us, yours truly managed to sneak into the meeting and prepare an exclusive and explosive report on what was actually said. Here is the list of rules that the committee decided to lay down for us Mumbaikars.

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1. Mumbai IPL/ICL & Ranji teams shall only feature Marathi players. It's time we bid adieu to Jayasurya, Pollock and the talented Rohit Sharma. The committee was of the opinion that with Sachin still around, Mumbai does not need anyone else. The Mumbai Indians team will now be re-named the Mumbai Marathas.

2. Bollywood movies shall feature only Marathi actors. This means that, all movies henceforth will star either Ritiesh Deshmukh or Shreyas Talpade and will be directed by Amol Palekar. Pros: There is no shortage of gorgeous Marathi actresses (Madhuri, Sonali & Namrata). Cons: The item girls (Rakhi & Mamta) were banned by the other Sena for vulgarity.

3. Dalal Street will be renamed as Pandurang Marg and will rid itself of all Gujjus & Marwadis. The Stock Market itself will be closed for a couple of hours in the afternoon so that the brokers can get a poli-bhaaji lunch and catch a well deserved afternoon nap. Needless to say, the market will be closed for 10 days during the Ganesh festival and on both days that Shivaji Maharaj was supposed to have been born.

4. The Tatas, Birlas and Ambanis will have to change their surnames if they want to continue doing business in Mumbai. The Ambanis will now be the Ambekars, the Tatas will be the Thattes and the Birlas will be Birladhyakshas.

5. Udipi restaurants shall serve only Thalipeeths, Sabudana Wadas and other delectable Marathi delicacies. Dosas and idlis are henceforth banned in Mumbai. So are dhoklas and Undyu. Punjabi and Chinese restaurants will be given special permission to stay because the party bosses are fond of Mutton Biryani & Chicken Lollypops.

6. Outsiders will be allowed to reside in Mumbai only if they successfully clear a TOMFL (Test of Marathi as an Foreign Language) and TSM (Test of Spoken Marathi). These tests will be offered at centres all over India, except in UP and Bihar. Permanent non-marathi residents will be required to memorize and recite the complete works of Pu La. People who do not know who he is, will have their faces blackened and will be forced to leave the state on a donkey.

7. The dress code for men in Mumbai will be an ironed Dhoti and an immaculate white long-shirt. This can be topped off with a colorful pagadi. Women should wear the traditional navvari saree. "Ram Ram" is now the official greeting of the state and people are requested to use the same to greet each other.

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People who do NOT follow these rules will be forced to watch 5 back to back Dada Kondke movies with English subtitles AND/OR be forced to get down at Andheri station from a Virar fast at peak time. Repeat offenders will be forced to travel in the maal-dabba of the local train with the macchi-waalis every day for the rest of their stay in Mumbai.

Any satire detected in this article is completely un-intentional and is but a figment of the reader's imagination.

Jai Mumbai !!!! Jai Maharashtra !!!!

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God - Tussi Great Ho

Of all the people that I met at Binghy, the omniscient Dr Saheb was one of a kind. He was the star research student of the University and the scope of his research transcended the boundaries of every department. Professors never seemed to get enough of him while his peers simply referred to him as GOD.

His popularity was such that there would always be a line of eager students standing outside Dr Saheb's research lab awaiting his darshan. The lines were longer than the peak hour line at Dickinson Dining Hall and half as large as the hysterical line of girls standing outside Baldwin, the then residence of Mr. Jogi Kat.

Dr. Saheb is a one man Printing Press and has printed out more pages(for his research papers) than major publishing houses. At one point, his demand for ink was so high that HP opened up a factory in Binghamton pandering exclusively to his demands. NYPL in turn built an extra floor underneath so as to accommodate his research papers. They are planning ways to expand further in 2009.

This high usage of paper has left vast acres of forest land all across the North East completely devastated. The West Coast faced similar problems, when he moved there. The trees there have a saying that goes: "If the Forest Fires don't get you, Dr Saheb will". Appalled by the thought that his research would soon run out of paper, Dr Saheb immediately presented a paper on writing more papers to resolve the issue.

Dr Saheb was once so inspired by Anil Kapoor's look in Musafir (or maybe because it was rakh-lee's fav movie) that he refused to shave for a month and sported a messy hairstyle. In the end he had to relent when his concerned research adviser threatened to cut off the power supply to his printer.

Dr Saheb was also quite charitable towards his friends and would gladly lend his car to his good friend Jogi who used it to impress the PYTs and drove them around town.

Once when I was with Jogi in Dr Saheb's lab, our eyes fell across the output of a program that he was running. The first line read, "Thus, Man has been Created". There it was, the program to create mankind. This would have been perfect proof that Intelligent Design was the key and not Evolution. No wonder he was called God. Unfortunately before we could read further, Dr Saheb turned around and with a magical wave of his mouse stopped us mortals from reading the rest.

Dr Saheb is now a world traveler, attending conferences all over, from Scandinavia to the remote islands of French Polynesia and working on projects that would benefit mankind. He also has known associations with some of the most eminent noble prize winners and scholars of our generation.

In spite of his brilliance, he is a completely down to earth individual, a nice guy and a really good friend. However his KoBra roots often lead to him viciously dasaofying innocent victims such as yours truly and another simple friend of ours, called Vishari.

I guess thats all for now. After reading this, I hope he doesn't write a Research Paper on 1000 different ways to bash me up. I wish him all the best for his Marriage and fervently hope that fewer trees are cut down after he gets married. Adios.


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Wall Street 08 - The Jogi Story

A lot has been said about the recent collapse of Wall Street. Sub-prime mortgages, high risk mortgage securities, 700 billion dollar bail-outs, record bankruptcies; been there seen that. The market has never had it this bad since the "Great Depression". It is in such time that one of our top reporters(yours truly) went underground, lived dangerously and uncovered one of the biggest shouldered cover-ups of all time, the real reason behind the Wall Street crash of 08.

For the uninitiated, before I delve further into the report, let us talk a bit about a really good friend of mine, Mr. Jogi Kat. Jogi is a legendary Casanova with boldness, charisma & oodles of charm that would make even James Bond dark green with envy. His dancing in the now notorious Rathskeller (alias "the Rat") has left thousands of wannabe Kats dancing in his shadow trying with great fervor to match even the most fundamental of his many steps. Girls flock there in the fervent hope that they would find some souvenirs of the man once known as Vin Travolta. His female fan following has been and will always be unprecedented in the history as well as the future of mankind (his closest rival George Clooney has long since given up).

And if the killer steps and dazzling bold personality were not enough, Jogi also has one of the most envied physiques ever known to mankind. Mr. Mor once described Jogi's massive shoulders to be a colossal mass of pure solid muscle. The closest thing to Jogi that special effects could conjure up in a motion picture was the Incredible Hulk, but even the Hulk at his angriest just seems like a toned down version of Jogi. Jogi, once had to return a new jacket from JC Penney just because it just couldn't fit his massive shoulders. Since then, his jackets are specially ordered from a factory in some remote part of China. Mr. Mor in another of his colorful quotes said, "those aren't just shoulders, they are humongous boulders".

To give you a better idea of the charm that he possesses, here is a poster that one of the premier clubs in Manhattan posted all over the city, when Jogi announced his intention to move to the city from Binghy. (This poster is by courtesy of Mr. Mor)

Jogi already has 2 famous landmarks in Manhattan dedicated to him, the famous bull on Wall street is abstractly modelled after him while the statue of Hercules on Fifth Avenue, shown to be holding up the world is symbolic of the impact that Jogi's shoulders have had on the rest of the world.

Anyways before we digress further away from the topic at hand, let us get back to the breaking news regarding the real sequence of events that brought Wall Street crashing down to its knees.

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1. Jogi gets married in March 2007.

2. Girls all over the world get despondent.

3. They stop shopping in depression.

4. Shops and markets are affected.

5. Girls' dads stop building big houses with wide passages & doors.

6. Housing markets also take a hit.

7. In 2008, there is news that Jogi is applying for MBA in NYU.

8. Girls in financial firms, quit jobs en mass to apply to NYU.

9. Guys in financial firms lose motivation after girls quit.

10. Financial markets suffer complete breakdown.

11. Hence economy down.

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I hope that Jogi is busy enough with his courses at NYU that he does not end up reading my post. I pray to god to keep me safe from those immensely massive boulders. A mere twitch could send me into an infinite orbit around the earth.

In spite of all his qualities, Jogi remains a completely down to earth and a great guy to have around. He has always been quite sporting about the tons of fun that we keep having at his expense. I wish him all the very best with his MBA.

That's it for this post. Peace out.

Desi Pink Panther

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1. Pink Panther

Recently I watched Peter Sellers play the bumbling French detective Inspector Clouseau in the classic "Pink Panther" series. He is undoubtedly one of the most comically gifted actors that I have ever seen. Steve Martin has done a tremendous job too in the recent remake of Pink Panther. While watching Awara Pagal Deewana yesterday and seeing Paresh Rawal drive everyone crazy by messing up their names, a thought crept up in my mind, "What if they remade Pink Panther in Bollywood". Most of the so called current "comedy" directors Priyadarshan, Bazmee and David Dhawan would massacre/defile the revered classic, but let us assume for a minute that we have a good director for this script.

Paresh Rawal would play an absent minded bumbling Gujrathi Policeman who considers himself to be a brilliant detective. He drives criminals as well as his superiors crazy by the sheer buffoonery that he is capable of and also by his innate ability to forget names. Johnny lever would be perfect as his assistant Kato who has been told to attack him at all times so as to keep the detective more vigilant. Chief Inspector Dreyfus could be played by Boman Irani who is eventually driven by Clouseau to such complete insanity that he ends up being admitted to an asylum after he tries to assassinate Clouseau himself. This could be a laugh riot if handled properly.

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2. Indy is Back

Also watched the latest version of Indiana Jones in the theatre, first day first show. It was an "out-worldly" entertainer though not as good as "Raiders" or "Last Crusade". I was all of 10 when I last saw Indy (Last Crusade) in a movie theatre in Singapore. It took me almost 19 years to see the famous Fedora and Whip back in action. I ended up humming the familiar movie tune all the way home. Welcome back Mr. Jones.

The last couple of years, the movies coming out of Hollywood have re-kindled some old memories. First they made "Transformers" (one of my all time favorite cartoons when I was a kid) into a movie. Then there were the sequels to "Die Hard" and "Indiana Jones", some of the most memorable films of the 80s. Now they have just released a movie version of "Get Smart" a hilarious old TV sitcom that had a bumbling "Agent 86" called Maxwell Smart" trying to outsmart a criminal organisation. In addition to all this, an aged Rambo and a retired Rocky were back for more action, the Joker will be playing mayhem in Gotham city and Superman has a new younger avatar.

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3. Central Park

After living in the NY city vicinity for more than 3 years, I finally managed to explore beyond the 5th avenue corner of Central Park. I had no idea that there was so much to do in Central Park. They have beautiful lawns, lakes and large green meadows filled with throngs of people in the summer playing ball, flying kites, throwing Frisbees or just plain lying on the grass tanning in the sun. And all this activity is right in the middle of the city. Sigh, when will the honorable city planners of India ever learn the importance of green space.

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Trash-an - The Terrible !!!!!

Its been a while since I saw a completely trashy movie. 2008 has been good so far and the horrors of 2007 including RGV ki Aag, Saawariya and JBJ seemed to be a thing of the past. But this changed on Sunday when I sat down to watch a cam print version of Tashan, the latest from the once reputable stables of Yash Raj Films. To say Tashan is a bad film would be the understatement of the year. The movie is so horribly torturous that I would rather watch a 3 hour "Bold and Beautiful" marathon special on SOAP network or for that matter watch a documentary about mating goldfish on Discovery.

Here is what you realize after watching Tashan:

1. Bachchan Pandey (aka Akshay Kumar) is Spider-man, Jackie Chan, Rajni-kanth and John Rambo, all rolled into one. He can single-handedly defeat a whole flock of Shaolin monks (who appear out of nowhere) while precariously balancing himself on a TV antenna tower. Sending a hundred commandos after him isn't the solution either. Bachchan Pandey can jump over buildings with finesse, climb walls with his hands, dodge bullets with ease and take down all 100 of them with a single dagger. Hail the new Kanpuri super hero.

2. Bebo looks like a starving refugee from Somalia. Someone better give her some food to eat otherwise I fear that one day she will lose so much weight that she would simply disappear (not that I mind that happening). In this movie, she is at her skimpiest best, from prancing around in a bikini on a yacht to an item song in the middle of Ladakh wearing a blonde wig (duh) and a tiny red dress that was sewn from the producer's hankie. Only a punch drunk Saif and an old bull in the Ladakh Zoo were mesmerised by her gyrations. In spite of all this, Bebo has the stand out moment of the movie at the climax in which her expressions (of satisfied prolonged sheer ecstasy) at having killed Bhaiyyaji are priceless.

3. The makers of Tashan have invented a new language that is an amalgamation of Bhojpuri, Hindi and English; for example the lyrics of a song go something like this "White white face dekhe, dilva beating fast, sasura chance maare re". The makers have named it as the Tashani and the latest plans include adding Punjabi, Urdu and Gujrathi to the mixture. They assure us that this will be the national language of India within the next 5 years.

4. It is possible to find a "Jet Ski" in the villain's adda located in the middle of the desert and then ride the jet ski thru a naala (gutter) and jump over a bridge while performing a sumersault and forcing the bridge to collapse. All this from a guy who works at a call center. Spectacular.

5. The best way to hide from people searching for you is to hide in the trunk of their car. Brilliant plan. The only problem is when the guys looking for you get into an argument about the music playing on the radio and plunge the car over a cliff into a lake.

6. When you are trying to get away from 3 people who have just destroyed your adda and killed 1000 of your goons, ride a cycle rikshaw yourself and try to run over them.

7. Akki Narula is a fashion designer, extra-ordinaire. If you want your heros / heroine to look like they are a cross between a garish African tribes-man and Snoop Doggy Dog, he's the man for you. From JBJ to Tashan, he's the Manish Malhotra of trashy wear.

There are a lot of other things completely illogical and crazy about this movie. But the worst is the absense of a script. The story just goes from one place to another without making any sense at all. These days I believe that RGV and Yash Uncle are in a rat race to make the worst movie of all times. Either that or as Rajeev Masand says, they are arrogantly taking their audience for granted. Sign up 2-3 super-stars, shoot at some exotic locations, get the actress to expose, throw in some "Matrix" style action sequences and hope that the "dumb" audience laps it all up, script be damned.

Arjun "Quota" Singh

After writing blogs on Comrade Pakya and Yeda Gowda, it is about time I wrote about the baap of all power hungry politicians, the much hated completely irrelevant Arjun Singh. He's an out-dated politician who has worked over-time to take India back into the stone age.

1. Origins

Arjun Singh was born into this world as a Neanderthal long before Adam took a bite of that fateful apple and way before the first stone was ever laid in the ancient cities of Harappa & Mohenjo-daro. The Akbar-nama documents the story of a senile court jester Arjun Singh, who asked the Great King Akbar to reserve seats for the backward classes in his Army. An amused Akbar chuckled and presented Arjun Singh with a bag of stones and a donkey & sent him on his way to a remote outpost in Burma.

2. Reservations

The British left us 60 years ago but their Divide and Rule policy lives on through people like Arjun Singh. When Babasaheb Ambedkar penned the constitution years ago, he decreed that reservations be abolished after 10 years. However our great politicians have refused to do so, especially Arjun Singh. He continues to be the epitome of stupidity and his asinine behavior has managed to defy all norms of conventional wisdom in his sick attempt to win power.

Welcome to the new India, where ability and merit no longer matters, the only thing that matters is your caste and if Arjun has his way, your religion too. They just don't get it that reservations on the bases of caste do not solve problems, instead the government should focus on improving the standard of basic education and to provide scholarships and special tuition to the poor & needy. (to be decided on the basis of their economic condition and not just their caste)

3. Sycophancy

Arjun Singh is notorious for his ability to lie prostrate at the feet of people from the Gandhi Family. He has been known as a Gandhi loyalist ever since he became acquainted with (read; chamcha of) Rajiv Gandhi in the 80s and has been prostrating in front of the Gandhis ever since. In fact he has perfected the art so much that the mere mention of a Gandhi, has him lying flat on the ground before you can bat your eyelid. He was recently in the news for his over-whelming sycophancy when he proclaimed Rahul Gandhi as the next PM.

4. Golum

To me, he bears an uncanny resemblance to the creature Golum, from the Lord of the Rings. Arjun Singh has always been there, eyes red with his desperation for power, always conniving, always plotting ways to topple the incumbent, unwavering in his desire and lust for the ultimate prize of uncontrollable power, the post of the Prime Minister of India. Leaders will come and go but he will always be there, the "loyal" HR Minister, biding his time, waiting for the eventual fall. His frustrations at being overlooked for the post of PM over the years have only added to his senility and dementia.

That brings to an end, my tirade against Arjun Singh, the root of much evil in our country. The best I can hope for, is that this man is completely retired from public life and is banished in exile to a hot volcanic island specially 'reserved' for him in the middle of nowhere.

Bon Voyage Arjun!!! You will not be missed.

Holi Hai !!!!

My holi weekend was one the most fun weekends ever. My friend Kuku AK and his wife BK had driven down to Mineola for the weekend. It all started off with a fright night on Friday as we sat down to watch the horror flick "The Ring". It wasn't as scary as I expected it to be, but that was probably because, 1) I had watched Scary Movie-3 earlier and 2) Kuku AK kept cracking silly comments during the course of the movie.

Saturday evening was holi-time, and we had a ball (read loaded balloons) behind our apartment; at the end of which, we were cold, wet and covered in various shades of red and pink (we looked liked we had come out of a shivering Halloween Zombie parade). I am sure our neighbours must have been tempted to call the emergency Psychiatric ward at the nearby Winthrop Hospital.

Little did I know the funnest part of the day was yet to begin. We went off to watch the late night screening of "Race" which is a paisa vasool movie as long as you keep your brains aside and worth the price in black if you are a fan of Katrina. Later that night, after the movie, what started off as Peacock kumar's short funny immitation of Salman Khan jiving to "Dil Deewana Bin Sajani Ke" in MPK turned into a full fledged crazy funny dance night.

Here are some of the lessons of the night. 

1. Kuku AK was the only guy who danced his heart out, and is without a shred of doubt the best dancer among us all. (Of course, he cannot be compared to Mr. Shoulders who is in a league of his own)

2. In the song "Rangeela Re", "KU KU" is a part of lyrics, as in "Jeene mai, fir to kyaa baat hai KU-KU".

3. It is important to SING (read scream, shout) while dancing and more important that you make up your own lyrics as you sing. The whackier the lyrics, the more the fun. Also there is a Marathi song of a chicken running away on one leg (what will they come up with next ?)

4. It is possible to swing your arms wildly and turn your waist 180 degrees ... all this while sitting cross legged on an infinitely small and completely unstable stool. (and we are NOT talking about Jason Bourne)

5. Peacock kumar is undoubtedly the Salman Khan and/or Jackie Shroff of Long Island. His valiant attempts at being Fardeen Khan will always be remembered and is the only dance routine of the night, not captured on video.

6. Jason Bourne jinxed the camera so that he couldn't be captured dancing to bollywood tunes.

7. Mr. Kuku AK danced practically with everyone and every prop that he could lay his eyes on including Peacock Kumar's stuffed Cat as well as a football. (This is an open challenge for Mr. Shoulders)

8. Teen deviyaan .. the dancing kittens is the name of a new movie releasing this summer. Mr. Chow has already bagged the downloading and screening rights.

9. Teddy Bear Catching (to be played with a stuffed Cat) is a new dance form that can we done while dancing around in circles. This will soon be introduced as a new dance form on "Boogie Woogie" and "Dancing with the Stars".

10. The best dancer of the night judged exclusively by the Kuku-AK will get hit by a football for no apparent rhyme or reason.

11. 6 people dancing at the same time is enough to cause a minor earthquake. (To be precise 6 on the Richter scale)

Thankfully for me, this was successfully recorded on the video cam and everytime I watch it, I burst out laughing. This blog is especially dedicated to Kuku AK, the guy who can make even footballs and stuffed cats seem hilarious and to Peacock Kumar's neighbours for tolerating us.

Of Cricket Capitulation !!!

Team India bamboozled by SA.

After their adrenalin high trip to Oz Land, the Indian team was brought down crashing to earth by the South Africans. Fear stricken at facing the 4 pronged South African pace attack, the Indian team capitulated in utter humiliation. Run for your lives !!! What was more shocking was that the match wasn't being played on a vicious bouncy fast pitch in SA but on a typical sub-continental batting strip in local Ahmedabad. It was hardly a month ago that the Indian team was thumping its chest and proudly proclaiming that it was the 2nd best team in the world.

Just as Australia bring out the best out of the Indian team, the rest of the world brings out its sheer mediocrity!! Even on the batting paradise in Chennai, if we take away the ferocious super innings from Sehwag and the gritty one from Dravid, the rest of the middle order collapsed like a pack of cards. However some of this blame should also go to the BCCI. Their packed money minded schedule has ensured that India has been playing non-stop since the mid of last year. No wonder half our bowling along with the maestro is injured while the motivation seems missing from the rest.

However after this shocking performance, the news is that BCCI have come up with a new list of demands for the ICC to follow.

1. BCCI has announced that it will ban any pitch that offers even the slightest of movement or bounce. All pitches henceforth will be flat belters like the one at Chennai.

2. All the innings in a test match will be restricted to 20 overs each. That way teams will have an level field to compete and teams with better bowling attacks do not get advantage over others.

3. Bowlers will not be allowed to bowl faster than 120 kmph (Pathan's speed). That way the batsman will get enough time to make up their mind and slog. Dale Steyn, Brett Lee, Shoaib and the likes will have to compulsorily slow down or face a life-ban. Venkatesh Prasad will offer coaching classes on how to bowl really really slow and get the batsmen out from sheer boredom.

4. Bouncers are a strict no-no but if the bowler does wish to bowl one, it should be at a speed of less than 80 kmph (Bhajji's pace), so that the batsman get the time to duck and react.

5. The rules are slightly relaxed for the Indian bowlers except for Ishant Sharma. They will be allowed to use their bag of tricks on the opposition. Whatever lateral movement, bounce, speed, swing that they are able to generate will be allowed so that the opposition batsman do not find it too easy to score.

Hopefully we at least last till the 4th innings in the 3 rd Test Match. Over and Out.

Victory Down Under - The Aftermath

Its been a while since I wrote a blog.

Pakya bhai has continued being relentless in his stubborn opposition to sanity and dear Gowda has gone into a shell contemplating new ways to make a fool out of himself while the rest of humanity get on with their lives.

The last couple of months have been good for Indian cricket, we beat the Aussies at their stronghold in Perth and blew them away in the CB series finals.

India - Wizards of Oz

1. The Maestro is back. Exactly 10 years ago, he single handedly derailed the Aussies at Sharjah with spectacular 100s; this time around he did enough to take the cup away from them.

2. After the loss in the finals of the CB series, some of the Aussies have started looking at alternative professions. Symmo has signed up with the Brisbane Bongos as a professional rugby player. He did well as a player but got into a bit of trouble when he tackled the opposition mascot who he thought was making monkey gestures at him.

3. Symmo's bum chum Matt Hayden has moved on to boxing and regularly schedules fights with high school kids. Last we heard, he met his match when he was felled down by a wiry 19 year old.

4. Ponting claims to have nightmares of the Indian bowlers and has started taking stress related medication and sleeping pills. The news is that even his 2 year old son got him out within 3 balls.

5. As for the rest, Shaun Tait has suddenly developed a pace phobia and is taking up under arm spin bowling while Mitchel Johnson does not want to see Tendulkar's bat ever again. Brad Hogg is happily retired from the game (this defi should make Ganguly happy).

6. Brett Lee (who's one of the really few Aussies everyone actually respects as a person) has moved onto Bollywood and will feature in a romantic movie with a yet unnamed pretty young Bollywood actress.

7. Australia has announced new rules for public behaviour. Any reference or behaviour that remotely resembles anything simian will not be tolerated. Providing proof of such actions is not necessary and the victim's statement will be the final word on that matter. Scratching one's underarm or for that matter any part of one's body is outlawed and any person found doing so will be shoulder barged naked by Symmo or be forced to face a rampaging Haydos in the boxing ring.

8. "Obnoxious weed" will from now on be a term of endearment and affection.

9. Bhajji has started a crash course on how to get under the skin of your opponent and yet emerge victorious. Guest lectures will be taken by a visiting Orangutan from the Singapore Zoo.

10. The Indian team will soon flood your airwaves and market everything that can possibly be marketed from Washing Powder Nirma to Cadbury Eclairs to Vicco Vajradanti Ayurvedic cream.

11. As far as the IPL is concerned, it has set a new precedent and inspired people all around the world. Real people being sold at an auction was something that hadn't been seen in more than a century. The latest news is that Hasbro brothers are coming out with a new special IPL collector's edition of Monopoly. The trading will be done with real people and real money. Ex; In the new edition, the equivalent to Park Avenue will be Mahendra Singh Dhoni.

Anyways, that's it for now. I hope to be a little more regular with my blogging from now on.

We were Robbed @ Sydney !!!!

The clowns "Benson and Buck-more" with the help of unsporting Captain "Integrity" and his henchmen robbed India of a surefire victory yesterday.

There was a time with Mark Taylor/Steve Waugh at the helm that I actually respected and enjoyed watching the Aussies play. But after the Sydney Test, I realized that all the Aussies care about, is winning, sportsmanship and fair-play be damned. Ponting is the leader of this pack and sets a very bad example to the rest of the team. Clarke is heir to the Captaincy and from his behavior in this particular match, things can only get worse; passing the baton from a schoolboy bully to a spoilt kindergarten brat.

Here's a rundown on some of the latest news updates on the aftermath of this test-match.

1. ICC announces a new set of rules.

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a.) Captain Ponting being a man of absolute integrity, he would be appointed as the 4th Umpire henceforth, for all matches featuring Australia. Any decision regarding any controversial catches or run-outs will now be referred to him and he will be the final word on the issue. Any tantrums on or off the field by him or sledging or shoving the BCCI chief off the stage is permissible. No action will be taken against a character of such unquestionable moral integrity.

b.) Each Aussie player will be allowed an average of 3 lives for each match.

c.) Opponents are out if the ball touches their pad or elbow or shoulder or thin air on its way to the fielder. (One टप is out. If it bounces twice in front of the fielder, the honorable 4th Umpire will make the final call, which in all probability will be Out)

d.) This is regards to an old decision against Sachin, shoulder before wicket during the 99 tour. If the ball were to hit the opponent anywhere on his body irrespective of the line of the ball or its height, and if this "edge" does not carry to any fielder (*** if it carries, the batsman is out by rule (c) ***), the umpire will declare the batsman out, BBW (Body Before Wicket).

e.) Beating Australia in Australia or anywhere else is outlawed and against the spirit of the game.

f.) Aussie players will stay at the crease even if bowled unless the Umpire declares them out. In such a case the decision of the 2 umpires after a lengthy discourse in the middle will suffice.

g.) Any opponent that repeatedly gets the Aussie Captain out will be declared racist and will be kicked out of the game for a duration decided by the honorable 4th Umpire, a man of irrefutable integrity.

h.) Donkey, monkey, koala, porcupine, hippo, pig and all other such demeaning and deeply offending terms are from now on, banned on the cricket field. Aussies are permitted to use their abusive gutter language (insulting mothers, sisters and wives) on the field since that's the only way they know how to play cricket. Retaliation to their use of gutter language is not permissible and will be a punishable offense. The punishment will be as decided by the honorable 4th umpire.

i.) Questioning the integrity of the 4th Umpire or any of his henchmen is completely out of the question and will not be tolerated. They have the right to take the moral high ground and act saintly after the match is over.

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2.

The latest news is that primates all over the world joined forces and filed a lawsuit for an undisclosed amount against Harbhajan Singh citing irreparable harm to their carefully cultivated public image and suffering mental trauma for having equated them to a rowdy Aussie cricketer. They claim that they never resort to such foul language, they always walk when they nick it and they absolutely do not have such dreadful hair locks.

There is also news that Hanuman himself is deeply offended with the fact that Bhajji should compare any of his ilk to the sledging Aussie.

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3.

Sanjay Leela Bhansali is coming out with a sequel to his 2005 hit movie, "Black". It portrays the fascinating and eventful journey of a partially deaf and blind West Indian named Buck-more, highlighting his inspiring rise from an unemployed youth to a lucrative career as a senior ICC Umpire. In this movie Buck-more also plays the dual role of AB, a senile once respected village teacher who has now lost complete control over his mental abilities.

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4. There is a new show coming out on television in Australia, on channel 9. It will be called the Benson and Edges show. It is based on "the Simple Life" and follows the travails of ICC umpires Benson and Buckmore as they stand in matches all over the world and make a mockery of cricket by giving outrageous decisions. This show is sure to bring out guffaws among its viewers.

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In all seriousness, the fact remains that this match has brought disrepute to the beautiful game. There is no shame in losing a well fought match to a deserving opponent if played fair and square but not when the other team starts claiming bounced catches and receiving the help of some very biased umpiring decisions. If the Aussies wanted victory at all costs, they have achieved it, but it will always remain a victory blemished by their unsporting behavior. As Kumble said, only one team played in the spirit of the game. Let's hope the matters at hand get sorted out and the last 2 tests are played fairly and sportingly.